The Ramblings of badVlad

Great Canadians of the 20th Century (Parte Dieux)

2009-03-08T19:24:00.000-07:00

Since the angry emails have finally subsided, I will resume my blogging tribute to the country of Canada (yes, it's a real country) by chronicling the life and accomplishments of a Canadian of some reknown. Tonight's biographical profile will look to the world of the Toronto Theatre and that beloved thespian, Corky St. James. The photo posted to the right is of Corky when he performed "Peter Pan" at the Royal Alexandra in 1989 to critical acclaim. Audiences usually expect a pert and rather spritely woman to play the part, along the lines of a Sanda Duncan, or Mary Martin, or Cathy Rigby, or Betty Luster, but St. James brought his own flamboyant style to the part.

Unfortunately, Corky's promising acting career was limited. When preparing for the audition for the lead in "Sylvia" he hired the services of a plastic surgeon to alter his features to resemble a dog. To create the perfect illusion, he slimmed-down to 3 1/2 pounds to fit into the costume. The surgeon removed almost his entire head, except for the brain and the eyes. Next, he grafted a life-like tail onto his gluteal muscles. Anyway, he didn't get the part. Alas, unfortunately for Corky, the director was not looking for a human-dog freak and cast a pert and rather spritely woman in the part. Since the surgury is not reversible, St. James has been reduced to performing in dogfood commercials.

Does Your Brand of Gasoline Make the Entire Family This Happy?

2009-01-18T09:39:00.000-08:00

In this 1954 ad for Ethyl gasoline we see a young Ernest Borgnine taking his family on holiday. Obviously this was back in the days before child carseats and mandatory seatbelt laws. Does anyone remember it really being like this? I seem to have vague semi-repressed memories of the man getting lost and refusing to stop and ask directions, so the woman is griping at him, and the kid is whining for a potty break along with the ubiquitous "are we there, yet?" To which, the parents reply in unison and increasing volume..."Not Yet!" At least this car isn't filled with noxious tobacco fumes from both parents chain-smoking Kents with all the windows up. There's just no better way to enjoy that smooth Carolina flavour than from the only premium brand that comes with the micronite filter...and the sponsor of "the Dick Van Dyke Show". Little do they know that the atmosperic lead poisoning from the TEL additive in the Ethyl gasoline is so bad that the soil beside major highways will actually become contaminated. Happy motoring!

Why Didn't Anyone Think of This, Before?

2009-01-17T08:34:00.000-08:00

Unfortunately, the Glide-O-Bike Company of Dallas, Texas was forced into bankruptcy when they learned that the cost of materials, postage-and-handling combined with the litigation expenses for injuries and false advertising far surpassed their listed retail price of $0.25 per unit sold.

This proved to be the most catastrophically ill-conceived business venture in history, until 1999 with the launching of "bigheavysafe.com", whose shipping costs on their first online order bankrupted the company.

It's Spanking Time For A Naughty-Naughty Girl

2009-01-13T04:17:00.000-08:00

Ha ha ha...Look! He's beating his wife for using the wrong brand of coffee. Isn't that funny? Next, he'll slash her with a broken Pabst Blue Ribbon bottle, because his shirts have ring-around-the collar. That should be hilarious. Guess he showed her who's the boss around here.

See? Spousal abuse was fun and whimsical back in the postwar consumer-products economic boom of the 1950s.

It wasn't at all like Stanley Kowalski beating his pregnant wife, Stella, then raping her sister, Blanche. Everyone knows that Tennessee Williams wrote fiction, anyway.

Wonder what hubby is gonna do if he ever catches her screwing the milkman?

Look! It's the Same Guy That's In the Previous Ad!

2009-01-11T09:12:00.000-08:00

After completing his contract with the Jantzen swimsuit company, Chet Slapbody embarked on the next phase of his male modeling career by being the testimonial pitchman for the Viking Corporation of Chicago. Here we see him in Viking's 1953 ad endorsing the wholesome goodness of skinless peeled frankfurters, and how they stay moist and firm, yet tender.

Evidently, some advertising executives of the time were very proficient in indentifying solutions for nonexistent problems; as if there were a large number of people who thought that regular hotdogs were just too tough. Or as in the ad posted below; scores of gorgeous shapely young women were experiencing trouble keeping their boyfriends' attention, because the guys kept slipping off with that darned poolboy.

If You Thought That Was Gay, Then Check This Out!

2009-01-10T12:52:00.000-08:00

Alright, lady...if your primary motivation for looking hot is to prevent your boyfriend from sneaking-off to the cabana for a little mano y mano action with the poolboy, then just maybe the brand of swimsuit that you are wearing should not be your main concern.

How about being a tad more selective about who you date? For instance; those little criss-cross peekaboo thigh cutouts on Chet's swim trunks are a dead give-away that he would rather be cavorting with hairy men in Spartan costumes at the nearest bathhouse than lounging poolside with you.

Now, THAT'S Gay!

2009-01-10T11:53:00.001-08:00

In fact, Gaytop counters are guaranteed to make your home just as gay as it can possibly be. The only way that it could be any gayer would be for Liberace to unexpectedly drop-in to share a pint of Creme de Menthe whilst out walking his pink poodle then have Freddie Mercury lead a pride parade through your living room only to oil-up with the Village People for nude Greco-Roman wrestling in the rumpus room.

Besides, that guy in the ad appears to be enjoying his little home improvement project way too much.

BLOOD ORGY! (Another Disturbing Ad from Yesteryear)

2009-01-10T07:25:00.000-08:00

Ahh, the good old days, when animal cruelty was considered to be good clean family humour. For your consideration, just examine this nightmarish tidbit from the early years of the twentieth century. After disfiguring her doll, this twisted spawn of the underworld is amusing herself by torturing a helpless kitten in some ritualistic blood sacrifice to Ba'al. The bloodsoaked chiffon dress and her maniacal facial expression captures the marked contrast between childhood innocence and hellish brutality. This kid obviously has some loose wiring in her hideously misshapened skull. Whoever penned this ad centainly had some unresolved issues of their own. And how, pray tell, was this supposed to inspire potential customers to purchase their product? Very few people would enjoy having permanent red dye stains on their floors, carpet, walls, and the family pet. If anything, this ad makes a good case for completely avoiding their brand of bottled mayhem, and for retailers to remove it from their shelves.
This picture would have been better employed as the book cover for a Lizzy Borden biography.

Disturbing Ads From Yesteryear (part 4)

2008-12-23T04:06:00.000-08:00

Could someone please explain what purpose it would serve to scold an infant? And what is up with that cylophane covered hat? How does it stay on the kid's head? Is it glued there?

Basically, the Marlboro people found some sort of humour in bad parenting; verbally abusing a baby and then subjecting him to noxious tobacco smoke, because Mommy-dearest can't control her temper without Bogarting a filterless coffin nail to calm herself down. Sweet!

Disturbing Ad Campaigns From Yesteryear (part 3, feminine hygiene)

2008-12-22T16:55:00.001-08:00

Here we see two feminine hygiene ads from the 1940s. The featured products are from market competitors, yet the management of both companies used eerily similar advertisements.

Evidently, a widespread lack of "feminine freshness" was causing an epidemic of nattily-dressed men leaving their wives. So, along came Zonite and Lysol to rescue the American family.

This begs the question; was the average American male at the time completely ignorant of biology and unable to make a simple caring suggestion to his innocent young wife about a common health concern?

Or perhaps, it was just a convenient excuse to leave for a night out with "the boys". I can't help but notice a striking resemblence between the guys in these ads and the two PJ-clad homo-erotic log ride partners in the ad posted below.

Disturbing Ad Campaigns From Yesteryear (part 2, sausage-squad up the blue-end)

2008-12-22T04:25:00.001-08:00

Nothing to see here, folks; just two bachelors goofing off in their PJs, giving each other log rides...Meanwhile, some half-human, half-reindeer creatures are hanging out in the background... Just another typical Christmas. Actually it's more like Norman Rockwell collaborated with Robert Maplethorp to produce this ad for Textron's new line of PJs from their Sodom and Gomorrah collection.

Disturbing Ad Campaigns From Yesteryear

2008-12-21T09:00:00.000-08:00

What the hell?

It's Ricky the magic Cancer-Elf tempting all passersby with the medicinal benefits of tar and nicotine.

This ad obviously dates back to the carefree good-old days, prior to child labour laws and surgeon generals' warnings. During this golden age all of the finer hotels employed squads of uniformed children to handout cigarettes in the lobby.

The Last Breakfast

2008-12-07T09:08:00.001-08:00

Well, I don't know very much about art, but I know what I like.

Bush Shocker!

2008-11-21T04:39:00.001-08:00

What can I say? This has not been photoshopped. It is real and featured on the Whitehouse website. If you don't believe me, then check it out: http://www.whitehouse.gov/news/releases/2008/11/images/20081112_d-0077-5-515h.html As if things weren't bad enough, we now have the president acting like a douche. Anytime a Bush is President, whether it's Poppy or Junior, we get wars and economic crisis. Is there any way that we can move up the inauguration? I have a recommendation on where Bush can place that pinky-finger of his, but I'm afraid that his head would be in the way.

Who Is This Man...and why does a thread about him warrant over 6100 Entries?

2008-11-06T15:46:00.000-08:00

From my favorite Website: http://www.hotchickswithdouchebags.com/

comes the man, no...the legend, known as "Samurai Scrote".

The thread which chronicles his derranged antics has reached over six thousand entries and is still growing.

This is a man who has climbed the Great Pyramind at Giza merely to sit on the pinnacle.

He's been known to shuck peanuts with his sphincter.

He sweats anti-freeze. He makes a wish while snapping human femurs.

Samurai Scrote owns not even one mirror for the reflection of him could throw the earth off of its axis. Yet, he is often embarrassed by his own bladder control problem.

He has been known to import rats to the New World just to confound pest control authorities and amuse New Yorkers. Plus, he was the true assassin of Austrian Archduke Franz Ferdinand.

He can run 43 miles per hour without bending his knees and make a jetpack out of nothing but his his back hairs.

Samurai Scrote has been known to invert his colon during times of stress. He uses dairy cows as meat Zambonis. He uses live catfish as coffee straws and keeps the ears of his victims in a Fraggle Rock lunchbox.

Samurai Scrote owns Adolf Hitler's toothbrush and he keeps it encased in a crude bust of George C. Scott that he made from sloth dung. He has a 4-wheel drive microwave that features a liquid magma display and a bacon dispenser. Samurai Scrote belches thousand island dressing in gaseous form. His blood type is "sausage gravy".

Did you know that Samurai Scrote drives a golf cart that he made from peyote buttons and cat pelvises?

Once upon a time, Samurai Scrote had a dream about getting genetically-mutated children addicted to drugs and using them as human shields against machines gone wrong in a Nemo-esque nightmare palace at the bottom of the Atlantic.

Frankly, I don't think that he's all that he's cracked-up to be. He just looks like a douchebag with someone's necktie around his head.

Du Rouge a Levres Sur Une Cochonne

2008-11-02T08:48:00.000-08:00

MONTREAL—Sarah Palin unwittingly took a prank call Saturday from a Canadian comedian posing as French President Nicolas Sarkozy and telling her she would make a good president someday.
"Maybe in eight years," replied a laughing Palin.
The Republican vice presidential nominee discussed politics, the perils of hunting with Vice President Dick Cheney, and Sarkozy's "beautiful wife," in a recording of the six-minute call released Saturday and set to air Monday on a Quebec radio station.

The call was made by a well-known Montreal comedy duo Marc-Antoine Audette and Sebastien Trudel. Known as the Masked Avengers, the two are notorious for prank calls to celebrities and heads of state.
Audette, posed as Sarkozy, spoke in an exaggerated French accent and dropped ample hints that the conversation was a joke. But Palin seemingly did not pick up on them.
He told Palin one of his favorite pastimes is hunting, also a passion of the 44-year-old Alaska governor.
"I just love killing those animals. Mmm, mmm, take away life, that is so fun," the fake Sarkozy said.
He proposed that they go hunting together by helicopter, something he said he has never done.

When Audette referred to Canadian singer Steph Carse as Canada's prime minister, Palin replied: "Well, he's doing fine and yeah, when you come into a position misunderestimated it gives you an opportunity to prove the pundits and the critics wrong. You work that much harder." Canada's prime minister is Stephen Harper.

The caller asked Palin if Joe the Plumber was her husband and added: "We have the equivalent of Joe the Plumber in France. It's called Marcel, the guy with bread under his armpit."

As a Palin supporter all I can do is express my disappointment. She never takes my calls anymore, but she'll spend plenty of time talking to this guy just because he can do a cheezy French accent. The last time we spoke, she only said; "Who is this?" and hung up. The heavy breathing probably didn't help.

White People Should Not Wear Doo-Rags!

2008-10-04T08:44:00.000-07:00

As if hundreds of years of slavery, lynchings, and decades of Jim Crow laws were not horrible enough, now pink-eared little brats in the suburbs have to insult an entire race of people by trying to act "ghetto". Has this fool looked in the mirror, lately? Maybe the blonde twins never bothered to learn how to read and don't know what the T-shirt says. Still, the pantyhose hat and the blunt stuck next to one of his protruding Opie-ears should have clued them in to the fact that he is a walking racoon turd.

Campaign 2008

2008-09-24T20:32:00.001-07:00

It's getting real close to the election and we have to make up our minds who to vote for. Either the old guy and the Alaskan snow bunny or the Obama Joe Biden dudes. I like McCain because he actually flew bombers in the war, then he got shot down and captured. After they tortured him and shit, they offered to let him go if he'd read a propaganda statement on film. The guy told them to go fuck themselves, then he spit in their bastard commie faces. That probably really pissed them off. So, we know he won't put up with any shit from the Iranians or Russians. He sounds like he's still a badass.

Islamic Cleric Declares: "Mickey Mouse Must Die!"

2008-09-17T15:33:00.000-07:00

A prominent Saudi Islamic cleric has issued a fatwa, or religious edict, against Mickey Mouse, whom he characterized as an agent of Satan sent to corrupt young minds.
Sheikh Mohammed Al-Munajid told Saudi Arabia's Al-Majd Television that his beef with Mickey is that he is a mouse, a creature that Islam sees as "repulsive and corrupting."
Al-Munajid explained that Islamic law refers to the mouse as "little corrupter" and a creature that is "steered by Satan," and grants permission to all Muslims to "kill [mice] in all cases."
Therefore, according to Islamic law, insisted the sheikh, "Mickey Mouse should be killed."

Someone forgot to inform this guy; "Pssst...Hey...Mickey Mouse is not real."

One wonders how he intends to carry out the execution of this death sentence.

Is he going to hire Wile E. Coyote as a hitman?

The Muslims should really be more concerned with Pluto, since he is the actual god of underworld. Next, they can go after the stuttering pig and that pantless duck or what about Moose and Squirrel?

Hey, at least this guy isn't pulling a Falwell and claiming that Mickey Mouse is gay or anything.

So it isn't just American religious leaders who have a problem differentiating between real life and fiction, but Falwell wasn't wanting to have Tinky Winky or SpongeBob wacked. Anyone who declares a fatwah against a cartoon character is really in bad need of a hobby, and when I say "hobby" I really mean a JDAM dropped from an FA-18.

Great Canadians of the 20th Century

2008-09-13T09:21:00.001-07:00

Many Americans do not truly appreciate the achievements and contributions that Canadians have shared with the world. Some Americans cannot even find Canada on a map. Or as Miss South Carolina put it: "I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because...ah some...people out there in our nation don't have maps and...ah. ..."

EXACTLY!

So, in a futile attempt to remedy this, I will be doing a series of biographical profiles of various Canadians who have excelled in the fields of science, literature, sports, medicine, arts, and entertainment. I will be doing this until all "U.S.-Americans" have been made aware that Canada really is a country and that people live up there...or until I get tired of doing this...whichever comes first.

I will kick-off the series with the life story of this dapper gentleman:

Winston "Scotty" Fitzgerald of White Pointe, Nova Scotia (1914-1987).

Scotty came from a family of violin-playing fishermen which resulted in him playing the violin and fishing at an early age. He became a reknowned Cape Breton fiddler...not to be confused with "a whiddler", of course. He excelled in this lovely style of playing which is of Celtic origins and a mixture of Scottish and Irish traditional music. The driven-up bowing technique and strong downbeat pulse timing that he perfected was known to always bring a dancehall to life. His band "the Radio Entertainers" recorded numerous 78s and four LPs. Unfortunately, these recordings are out of print. So, forget it...just go back to listening to Madonna. Somebody out there is buying that shit.

Sarah Palin...All-American MILF

2008-09-08T11:26:00.001-07:00

McPain certainly knew what he was doing when he picked her. Now even I am interested in politics. Let's see...who was it that Baraky Ali Baba picked for his VP? I don't quite remember? I think it was some guy with hairplugs and old man smell. Oh well, who cares?

I can't really explain it, but there's just something cool and sexy about a absolutely hot woman brandishing a firearm.

Jesus Surprises 700 Club With Walk-On Appearance

2008-09-01T05:46:00.000-07:00

VIRGINIA BEACH, VA—Friday's episode of the popular Christian-current affairs program "The 700 Club" featured a surprise appearance by Jesus Christ, who dropped by the set and chatted briefly with host Pat Robertson. Christ told Robertson "...verily I say unto you, if you truly seek a place in my kingdom, heed my call: give all of your wealth to the poor and follow me, for thou cannot serve both God and mammon. No man can serve two masters, either he will hate the one and love the other; or else he will be devoted to one and despise the other. In my service your riches will not be of this world where thieves break through and steal or moth and rust doth corrupt. For where your treasure is, so shall your heart be also." A stunned and surprised Robertson quickly called for security before leading into a commercial break. After which the show continued with their regularly scheduled guests; Dr. Manny Alvarez with a segment discussing "What fast food and stress are doing to our bodies" and Life Coach Valerie Burton introducing her latest self-help book, "Discovering Your Inner Beauty; Cosmetics for the Soul."
The show's Executive Producer issued an official statement indicating that Federal INS and Homeland Security departments have been notified concerning the undocumented status of the man they described as "a dangerous Middle Eastern agitator", since he apparently had no passport or identification when confronted by studio security. Later in the show Robertson quipped "with a name like, Hay-Soos, that guy is obviously in the country illegally. Can you believe he had the nerve to come on MY show and spew all that liberal-socialist spread-the-wealth nonsense? What do we care what he says, he's not even allowed to vote!"

Dolphins Evolve Opposable Thumbs

2008-08-30T05:57:00.000-07:00

HONOLULU–In an announcement with grave implications for the primacy of the human species, marine biologists at the Hawaii Oceanographic Institute reported Monday that dolphins, or family Delphinidae, have evolved opposable thumbs on their pectoral fins.

"I believe I speak for the entire human race when I say, 'Holy fuck,'" said Oceanographic Institute director Dr. James Aoki, noting that the dolphin has a cranial capacity 40 percent greater than that of humans. "That's it for us monkeys."
Aoki strongly urged humans, especially those living near the sea, to learn to communicate using a system of clicks and whistles in a frequency range of 4 to 150 kHz. He also encouraged humans to "start practicing their echolocation as soon as possible."
Delphinologists have reported more than 7,000 cases of spontaneous opposable-digit manifestation in the past two weeks alone, with "thumbs" observed on the bottle-nosed dolphin, the Atlantic humpback dolphin, and even the rare Ganges River dolphin.
"It appears to be species-wide," said dolphin specialist Clifford Brees of the Kewalo Basin Marine Mammal Laboratory, speaking from the shark cage he welded shut around himself late Monday. "And it may be even worse: We haven't exactly been eager to check for thumbs on other marine mammals belonging to the order of cetaceans, such as the killer whale. Oh, Christ, we're really in the soup now."
Thus far, all the opposable digits encountered appear to be fully functional, making it possible for dolphins–believed to be capable of faster and more complex cogitation than man–to manipulate objects, fashion tools, and construct rudimentary pulley and lever systems.

Top Wall Street Firm To Be Acquired By Tooth Fairy

2008-08-29T16:24:00.000-07:00

The market responded with enthusiasm today to reports that the Tooth Fairy has agreed to acquire Lehman Brothers. The purchase price has not yet been determined, but will be set by Lehman CEO Dick Fuld wishing upon a star, clicking his heels three times, and being transported back to that magical kingdom where Lehman stock still sells for over $70 per share.
In related news, Lehman has agreed to sell all of its Level III capital, including CDOs, ABSs, pet rocks, baseball cards, firm umbrellas, and credit default swaps written by MBIA and Ambac. Lehman's Level III capital will be acquired for 150% of its face value by Tinkerbell, who will carry it off to Never Neverland, where it will be fed to a crocodile. Lehman is financing 90% of the acquisition at an interest rate usually reserved for subprime borrowers; Tinkerbell's upfront payment consists of a handful of pixie dust, three crickets, and a bullfrog. Ladenburg Thalmann bank analyst Dick Bove estimates that the bullfrog could eventually be transformed into three princes and a pumpkin coach (but doesn't want to be quoted in case he is sued).
The deal gives Lehman no recourse to any of Tinkerbell's assets other than the Level III capital. If Tinkerbell defaults, Lehman's successor entity will stick its hand down the crocodile's throat and attempt to get it to regurgitate. The firm's historical value-at-risk analysis shows that sticking one's hand down a crocodile's throat is completely safe.
Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson issued a statement: 'I am delighted that SWFs (Sovereign Wealth Fairies) continue to express confidence in the terrific values represented by American financial institutions. As I have been saying since August of 2007, this shows that the crisis is now over'.
Meanwhile, US regulator the Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) has announced an investigation of mean, evil, wicked, bad short-seller Capt'n David Einhook. While out for grog with a few of his mateys , Einhook reportedly suggested that the Tooth Fairy might not exist, and that wishing upon a star is not a wholly reliable pricing mechanism (although he admitted that it has been a commonly-used methodology in the past). Christopher Cox, chairman of the SEC, said, 'Vicious rumors attacking the Tooth Fairy will not be tolerated. Our entire financial system, and indeed the American way of life, depend on the Tooth Fairy and wishing upon a star. How else could one value Level III capital appropriately ?'. The SEC is reportedly planning to set up re-education camps for short-sellers at Guantanamo Bay' so they can never bother anyone, ever again. The End.

Chick Porn

2008-08-27T15:24:00.001-07:00

If you thought that Burger King couldn't get any stranger than they already are with that stupid walking plastic King (see my blog archives from 8 April), then take a look at "Subservient Chicken".

You can boss Subservient Chicken around on Burger King's website: http://www.subservientchicken.com/ and it will do whatever you tell it to. Just be prepared to feel your skin crawl and to throw-up in your mouth a little. At least it's not a clown.

Ted Haggard Has Started a New Ministry

2008-08-25T04:53:00.000-07:00

Anyone else curious as to what the sermon is going to be about? Is he sharing his own personal experience on how to deal with male prostitutes?
That sign makes me want to stay home on Sunday morning and do yard work.
That's just too much information from Pastor Haggard.
Oh, and he still insists that he's NOT gay.
Actually, he's probably not. That would require being human, first.

Allahu Ahk-Bear!

2008-08-02T10:33:00.001-07:00

Derka-Derka, Mohammad Jihad!

It's the CAIR bears...TeddyHamas, HezzBearlah, and Jihad Ben. Whatever you do, just don't touch the little red button on his vest. Once they martyr themselves, 72 untouched picnic baskets await them in the afterlife.

Mohammad-the-Pooh

2008-07-16T21:43:00.000-07:00

Here's the latest series of children's stories from the Middle East.
In this scene we see the loveable, hugable, stuffed-with-fluff,
Mohammad the Pooh and he is confronting Zorak
the evil Mantis of the apocalypse.

Too bad that the series didn't get past the first book. The author and illustrator were publicly stoned to death in the Sudan by an angry mob. Evidently, muslims were offended by a stuffed bear having the same first name as their prophet.
If you ask me, it's bears who should be offended.

The Evil Continues...

2008-07-12T08:18:00.000-07:00

These efforts were commendable but ineffective. The thing still lives.

Can anything be done, before billions and billions more are "served"?

Happy 4th of July!

2008-07-05T05:40:00.000-07:00

Nothing says "Liberty and Freedom" quite like a shot of Jaegermeister with a bathwater chaser.

Now, It's Coming For Your Daughters!

2008-07-04T08:12:00.001-07:00

Don't say that I didn't warn you. It's gotten even worse.

When are you people going to listen to reason? Someone needs to finally drive a stake through its cold lifeless heart and end it all. Stop the horror!

Caught In The Act!

2008-06-29T07:13:00.001-07:00

In my earlier post from 18 June, someone actually had to ask..."Why was Rondald McDonald getting arrested?".

Did I really have to go into detail about what evil occurs under those golden arches? Well, this photographic evidence speaks for itself. He has been fattening-up McKids for his own diabolical reasons.

It just goes to show...NEVER trust a clown!

"Are you gonna eat that?"

Hey, Mommy-dearest...don't you think Pugsley has had enough french fries, yet?

More Adolescent Skin-Tones Not Found In Nature

2008-06-29T06:36:00.000-07:00

They're Orange!
Why are they organge, and what is with that hair?

The one in the middle looks like he opened the exploding Candy-gram that was intended for Mongo.

(Yes, they are the same two freak-tards that were in the earlier post.)

The Stupid! ...It Burns! (and in the blazing colours of autumn)

2008-06-22T07:33:00.001-07:00

What the hell is going on here?

-Chester the Cheeta goes to the prom?

-It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown...and he brought a date?

-Willy Wonka let the Oompa Loompas have a night off from the chocolate factory, so that they'd quit humping each other?

Oh, I know...these guys couldn't afford a fake spray-on tan, so they smeared themselves with the grease from the top of an opened can of Wolf Brand Chili. Or maybe, a mad scientist in a secret laboratory brought to life a giant bloody stool and dressed it in a tacky silk suit. An alternative theory; they have all been on a fad diet where they consume nothing but Chef-Boy-R-Dee Ravioli, Kraft American singles, Cheetos, Circus Peanuts, and Tang for months.

Then, as if it weren't bad enough ...they have the nerve to cluelessly pose and be photographed with those smug self-satisfied facial expressions that say; "the world bores me cuz I'm cool". A fitting punishment would be drowning in a vat of chlorine bleach. Are they under the mistaken impression that miniature crisco-mohawks are stylish? In the lower picture it looks like the hair that you see in post-mortem tintype photographs of deceased Old West gunfighters which were taken prior to burial at boot hill. Have the candied-yam twins ever considered just putting down the video games for a couple of hours and going outside in the sun?

What about these girls? How can they sit in the laps of a couple of walking toilet-bowl skidmarks and not be repulsed by the stench? What were their parents thinking when they opened the front door to meet their sweet young daughter's date for the evening and found Mr. Hanky standing there? Evidently, Olsen Twin imitator #2 (in the upper foto) has developed a melanoma below the corner of her left eye from standing too close to these clownish faux burn patients. What is most astounding is that these girls are not ashamed to be seen in public with them...and they are not even the least bit concerned about getting feces stains rubbed-off onto their clothes.

It's understandable that youngish girls' taste in males should tend more towards the juvenile. In not too many years they can look forward to being sexually disappointed by a somehwhat older and experienced man whose skintone does not make him resemble a cartoon character or the winner of a pumpkin pie eating contest.

Anyway, I think that I'll never touch another sweet potato, again. EVER!

KFC's Latest Celebrity Endorsement.

2008-06-21T05:15:00.000-07:00

Hey, for years I've been saying that KFC's food is great; they just need to present a more refined aristocratic image. My sources at the company have sent me these pics from a proposed ad campaign, which combines the idea of the classic family outdoor picnic with the tasteful sophistication of having Dr. Hannibal Lecter as their pitchman. Who could be a more appropriate spokesman about the simple pleasures of dining al fresco on pieces of dismembered carcass than a reknowned and respected phychiatrist, philosopher, afficionado of fine music, wine expert, world traveler, bon vivant, and culinary artist? This is a man who once disemboweled a chef at Ma Maison, simply because he had used margarine instead of butter while preparing Veal Milanese, so we know that the Doctor is serious about fine dining.

I must say...I am very encouraged by this. Can't wait to get down to KFC as soon as it opens to purchase a hideous grease-laden bucket of sophistication and mayhem.

Original Recipe Or Extra-Crispy Flesh-Coating?

2008-06-19T04:34:00.000-07:00

Every once in a while, the animal rights nut-tards come up with a good one.

My evil nemesis, Poultricide, posted this link in a comment on this blog:

http://signgenerator.kfccruelty.com/index.asp?SignSubmission=1E7B0BCD-071F-4778-9C6D-3C9F65A2232E

Check it out! You can make your own KFC sign, like I just did. So, have at it. You've all got plenty of time to waste.

The creators of the site are obviously attempting to make some kind of political statement about animal cruelty, but the features of the site can be coopted to make sick sophomoric observations.

Some people become uncomfortable when they are reminded that what they are having for dinner was once running around squeaking, oinking, or mooing. It's those types and the animal-lover nuts who need to be reminded that no matter how advanced and civilized we become, we are still basically predatory hunter-gatherers. We still consume the mangled remains of deceased creatures just like our primitive ancestors did. The only real difference is that we pay other people to grab the animal, kill it, dismember the corpse, then wrap-up the mutilated pieces in nice clean cellpohane and styrofoam packaging. Often, we even pay a lot more to have someone else cook it. Another disturbing thought for you vegans; when you eat fruits and vegetables, you are actually consuming some plant's sex organs. We really don't know, but plants might even scream in pain when they are being sexually mutilated by fruitpickers, they just scream at a frequency that we can't hear. Think about it.

I don't have anything against KFC. They are one of the few fast-food joints that I even like. (besides Subway, or Popeye's). I can remember the first time that I ate there as a little kid and I really liked it. The guy that came up with the original recipe was a damned genius, even though chickens probably view him as their Adolf Eichman. Can you blame them? What would you think if you accidently wandered into a strange building and saw some manner of advanced beings feasting on disembodied charred human limbs coated in a crispy crust and served with two delicious side dishes? That's a rather Dahmer-esque image.

Anyway, I'll probably go to KFC this afternoon.

Poultricide hates Popeye's. He claims that it is all part of a secret Vatican plot, just because if you slightly alter their sign it says; "Pope Yes". I don't have anything against the Pope. As long as he makes really good spicy cajun chicken his religious practices don't concern me. Popeye's also has the best selection of side orders to choose from. You can actually have something besides french fries (which were ruined when the federal health Nazis made them change the type of oil that they cook them in). They're so bad, France should demand that the name be changed to something else.

Law & Order: Special Dietary Victims' Unit

2008-06-18T20:27:00.000-07:00

Police have apprehended the most diabolical predator of the big-Top. Here we see him being led away in shackles from his McDonaldland Ranch, finally putting an end to his culinary crimes and debauchery. In the background you can see the sinister lair where he used fatty milkshakes and cholesterol-laden happy meals (complete with cheap plastic toy trinkets) to lure unsuspecting children into his remote compound and start them on the tragic road to obesity and heart disease. Investigators and prosecutors are busy gathering evidence to prepare an airtight case which will put this piece of human garbage away from cuisine for good. The full penalty of the law is hardly strong enough to appropriately deal with his ghastly crimes.

What I really want to know is: what the hell were those parents thinking?

Is it really so difficult to prepare a nice healthy Penne Rigate Al Forno and a fresh spinach salad with zesty vinagrette for their own childrens' dinner? Concerned parents being involved in their kids' diet is what is most effective at keeping them away from the disgusting unhealthy lifestyle that was being promoted by the likes of that shameless greasy reprobate.

The Latest Hollyweird Gossip

2008-06-14T11:31:00.001-07:00

The Paparazzi have been busy tailing none other than the partially animate burgerKing walking-mannequin.

Shock! ...Gasp! He has been caught in a love tryst with none other than...washed-up 1970s actress Valleri Bertenelli. (She was only washed-up, now her career is finished. She won't even be able to swing any Jenny Craig product endorsements after this.) I'm sure that her agent has dumped her. Guess the guy didn't find the 10% of her BurgerKing coupons and free prepackaged condiments to be suitable compensation for fighting for a lost cause.

What was she thinking? Does the BurgerFreak have like a huge plastic dick or something? Hell, she could have just bought one of those, complete with batteries, then she wouldn't have to wake up next to that hideous polystyene freakhead and the stench of frenchfry grease.

More Evil-Sinister Clowns!

2008-06-12T20:45:00.001-07:00

Hey folks, just so that you don't all get nice and comfortable with the cute warm wittle puppies in today's previous post, I thought that I would turn around and present something that will leave you with nightmares. This extreme shift from sweet furry cuteness to hideous nominally-human freaks in greasepaint should exacerbate the psychological terror that you experience from staring into the eyes of pure 50-weight adulterated evil. In fact, I would like for the readers of this blog to rate these clowns as to:

-Which one is the most creepy?

-Which has recently eaten a baby?

-Which one worships Satan and sacrifices small furry creatures on a stone altar?

-Which one stores his own urine in jars?

-Which one owns a large number of shares of Occidental Petroleum stock?

-Which one has the odor of rancid milk?

-Which one has a second career as a bruto-homoerotic porn star?

-Which one is a devout Methodist?

-Which one posed for a picture with Roselyn Carter?

-If you had your wish, which one would you most like to shoot in the face with a Lugar?

...or even feel free to create your own category.

Of course, each can win more than one category.

Just in case any of you are wondering, these guys are available to perform at your kid's next birthday party or to even babysit while you enjoy an evening out. That is...if you are a stupid sadistic-shit of a parent.

Sure...All kids just love clowns and their zany madcap antics.

"Now, Timmy, stop all that screaming and have a balloon. Oh, looky! Pervo-the-Clown wants you to reach deep into his pocket for a special birthday surprise."

Puppies From Around The World!

2008-06-12T20:35:00.000-07:00

Since nobody seems to want to comment on the post about Islamic Rage-Boy, then here is a montage of puppies. Enjoy!

(Unlike Rage-Boy, they ARE capable of being housetrained.)

More Stoopid Human Tricks: Islamic Rage-Boy.

2008-06-08T09:36:00.000-07:00

This fine clean-cut young man is Shakeel Ahmad Bhat. He lives in Srinagar Kashmir region of India. Shakeel is 29 years old, unemployed, illiterate, and lives with his mother. Oh, and he's very religious. (You've got three guesses which religion he practices. Safe to say, he's probably not Lutheran. ) Hey girls, he's very available...not only is he a bachelor, but he's never gotten laid (I'm sure THAT's a surprise, sort of explains his perpetual anger at everything.) If you can make it past the bits of dried couscous and critters growing in that simian-looking beard, then you've got yourself a 29 year old virgin (at least in regards to being untouched by female members of the human species.) He's got plenty of free time to go to protests. Five times a day he stops and chants loud praises to his imaginary friend, Big Al. Even though Big Al is supposed to be very powerful and even has a best-selling book, he must be very insecure because anytime anyone says or does anything that is the least bit insulting towards him, then Rage Boy and his fellow adherents of the religion-of-peeece take to the streets shouting and shaking their fists while threatening to kill people. Oddly, they never seem to wonder why Big Al can't take care of himself and requires a bunch of impoverished, backwards, unemployable losers to fight his battles for him.

Stoopid Human Tricks II

2008-05-20T18:11:00.000-07:00

Islam Is A Religion of Peace...And If You Say Otherwise, We Will Kill You!

Hey, Baby...What'cha Doin' After The Peace Protest?

2008-05-20T13:18:00.000-07:00

Tres Chic!

Here we see the latest in protestor couture from the Abby Hoffman collection. This striking ensemble is topped-off with a tan straw coolie hat and non-matching Kaffeyieh scarf, worn around the ample waistline. Note the skinny arms, bulbous waistline, and sickly pale complexion which could only be obtained by staying indoors playing video games on Mom's sofa 18 hours per day and avoiding any sort of manual labor all of his life.

Of course what protest would be complete without at least one nod to Godwin's law...gotta have a swastika displayed to demonstrate dissaproval with...uh, whatever. You see? In the protestors' little world, just comparing someone to "Hitler" is seen as insightful political rhetoric, even if it doesn't make any sense at all.

For instance; "Bush is Hitler", "Blair is Hitler", "Cheney is Hitler"...Get the idea?

However, Saddam Hussein wasn't Hitler...even though he invaded neighboring countries, gassed his own people, wore a military uniform, had a silly-looking moustache, and wore funny hats. Oh, but he's NOT Hitler.

Look, I'm not exactly a Bush fan, but I just can't get past the logical fact that if Bush was anything at all like Hitler, this dumbassed protestor would have already been herded onto a boxcar and sent away to a camp. Hey, there's an idea...no, WAIT!...Oh, nevermind.

Well, It's Too Late For His Parents To Heed Such Wise Advice!

2008-05-20T13:13:00.000-07:00

In his case, it appears to be "Stop Bathing".

That should preclude any breeding opportunities for him.

Anti-Richard Gere Protest

2008-05-20T13:08:00.000-07:00

Save the Gerbils...try fisting a chipmunk, today.

Well, it does appear that the little guy is enjoying it.

It's not clear why this very strange man saw fit to paste hobby-lobby fake leaves to his clothing and hat. Perhaps it's a means of camouflage so that he can sneak-up and goose other unsuspecting woodland creatures.

Anyway, Nature Boy's protest message is very unclear and open to many disturbing interpretations.

Say What?

2008-05-20T13:05:00.001-07:00

Anybody have any idea what this is supposed to mean?

Huh?...Any ideas at all?

Please, help...I'm trying to understand.

How about:

"Gasoline + idiot protestor + lit match = Burningman 2000fun!"

Hey, wait! Isn't that one of those wasteful gas-guzzling SUVs that they are driving?

Stoopid Human Tricks (or U.S. Out of North America!)

2008-05-16T04:57:00.000-07:00

Can someone explain protestors to me? I don't quite grasp the rationale behind what they are doing.

OK...Does the stupid fatfuck holding the palestinian flag, wearing a Kaffieyah, sporting campy/retro church-lady sunglasses, and carrying a Che purse actually think that the absurd spectacle of him standing on a streetcorner looking ridiculous is a form of political discourse? In his wildest dreams does he really believe that someone who is normally conservative and Pro-Israel is going to notice him and go; "You know...fat-bearded-smelly-guy is right...the Palestinians should have their own country, and to do it we need to drive all the Israelis into the Mediterranean and kill them. Yeah...THAT'S the ticket!"

As for the blue hat guy; It's certain that his non-existent ovaries are completely safe from government intrustion. In fact, most of the black-uniformed jackbooted government thugs that I know would be so interested in joining the hippie chicks who are forming the conga line in the background that they aren't going to even notice him, even if he were somehow miraculously endowed with female genitalia.

Hey! Yellow-rainhat-lady! Would you at least learn how to draw a proper peace sign? Is THAT too much to ask? Mercedes Benz is not sponsoring the hippie-dippy peace rally...and yes-yes, we know that you really love your new 360 LS.

I Hate Those Vytorin Ads!!!

2008-05-01T19:24:00.001-07:00

We've all seen them. They are those irritating ads which show some kind of food and standing next to it is a creepy-weird old person who is dressed in a manner which subliminally makes them look like the particular food product. The jist of it is that you get cholesterol from your diet, but how your body processes it is effected by heredity.

OK! We get it, but something about those ads is just wrong.

Imagine Jeffery Dahmer eating his relatives and then having a high HDL cholesterol level at his next physical. That would illustrate the effects of both heredity and diet at the same time.

The only way they could make these ads any more disturbing would be to feature Rosie O'Donnell standing next to a steaming plate of pickled hog intestines.

In fact, I don't even like this post being on my blog, because of the hideous shade of crimson which comprises most of it. I am truly vexed by it. My lame attempt at rectifying it by changing the background to mint green only made it worse.

Such A Cute Wittle Bear

2008-04-26T06:31:00.000-07:00

His name is Rocky. He's five years old, stands 7 1/2 feet tall, and weighs 700 pounds.

Rocky has appeared in several movies. Sadly, he's probably out of a job, merely because he mistook his trainer for a sandwich and bit him in the neck. Right now there is an investigation being conducted to determine why a very large wild land predator would do such a thing. Maybe Rocky just doesn't like being tickled.

Why Do People Listen to This Clown?

2008-04-24T16:43:00.000-07:00

Yes, professional buttwipe, Dr. Phil is now out pushing his latest bullshit selfhelp book for the Oprah-loving crowd. He is so irritating and whiney, I don't know how people actually take anything that he says seriously. Is he even a real Doctor? Well, he used to be until the States of Texas and California pulled his psychology license. It was due to professional misconduct, or rather: an "inapropriate relationship" with a 19 year old patient. He was 39 years old and married at the time. Damn! what was SHE thinking?...crazy girl must have needed to see a shrink or something. Too bad she went to see Phil, instead.

Now....This guy, gives really good advice.

His name is BigTit Bob from Austin. Here we see him in the Alamo drafthouse enjoying their famous "burger and a helmet" lunch special. Bob doesn't give a shit about anything, so he'll come right out and tell you the truth. You could actually pattern your life based on his astute observations and wise counsel. He's a much better advisor than Dr. Phil, and guess what: He holds just as many professional credentials. Oprah and him would make a really cute couple. Actually, he'd probably mistake her for 400 lbs. of bear liver in a cellophane bag and eat her. (...and the downside IS?)

Mommy Dearest

2008-04-19T07:45:00.001-07:00

OK, so the cops took a bunch of kids away from these strange characters and some people are actually complaining that they (the cops) "went too far". Huh??? Oh come-on!!! That one in the front with the monobrow and the Joan Crawford shoulders looks really scary-mean. Just imagine if you were her teenaged daughter and you were given the choice of being nailed by some filthy drooling old geezer or having Mommystein give you a good thrashing..."NO MORE Wire HANGERS...EVER!!!"

The cops were just doing their jobs and made a good call.
After those kids are issued Iphones and PS3s, and are taught how to hangout at the mall they'll be fully ready to join our civilization.

Come On! ....Do It!

2008-04-19T07:24:00.000-07:00

Evidently, not all Lolcat photos completely suck. If he could have only included an "After" picture.

Because of the graphic nature of some of my earlier posts I have gotten a few angry emails accusing me of hating animals.
Well...that's not true! Actually, I'm very fond of veal.
The idea of eating something that died young is very appealing to me.
My dream post would be to combine this with my last two posts and have Flavor Flav shooting Kevin Federline in the face with that chrome-plated 9mm Beretta pimpgun. Then, we could just let the Kitty run free in its natural habitat on the streets of Philadephia.
Fluffy should get along just fine as long as he don't try to bebop wit da homies or talk to da mentals. (For proper effect, that should be said with a philly accent.)

Biggest Douche In The Universe Competition

2008-04-15T22:13:00.000-07:00

A contestant from Planet Earth/Milky Way Galaxy has taken the crown, again this year as Kevin Federline replaces John Edward as the official Biggest Douche in the Universe.
Hopefully, his reign as BDIU will raise awareness and much needed additional research to treat the mysterious muscle disease which has twisted his hand into this hideous trident-shaped appendage and left him a nonfunctioning white trash idiot. He is also currently in negotiations with Webster's dictionary publishers who wish to use his likeness as an illustrated example of "Shit-eating grin". His winning the title of Biggest Douche in the Universe is attributed to the fact that he is an unemployable loser with a room temperature IQ who sponges off of his pitiful substance-abusing ex-wife, instead of doing what a man would have done which is clean her up by getting her off the junk/booze. His winning prize will consist of having his head held upside-down in a large container of vinegar/water solution until he stops moving. The choice of awarding the honor to Federline was controversial among many of the judges, because he had also been named "Largest Toilet Bowl Skidmark" in the Universe, and he is the first earth resident to hold both titles simultaneously.

The previous reigning Biggest-Douche-In-The-Universe, John Edward... merely tricked gullible naive people into believing that he could speak with their dead relatives. Somehow he has managed to make a lot of money doing this; whereas, if there really was any justice in the world he would have gotten his ass kicked to death and would now be smoking a fresh dog turd in the hottest corner of hell.

*Legal disclaimer: Biggest Douche in the Universe competition is the sole intellectual property of Matt Stone and Trey Parker use of which is prohibited without their express permission.

**Legal disclaimer: Kevin Federline was already a white trash idiot prior to the onset of said unidentified degenerative muscluar disease. The narrative is merely claiming that his status was changed to" nonfunctioning white trash idiot" based on physical degradation.

**Legal disclaimer: John Edward could no longer serve as reigning Biggest Douche in the Universe due to contest rules which prohibit consecutive wins; therefore, Kevin Federline is current champion BDIU.

Flavor Flav!

2008-04-15T22:01:00.000-07:00

I can't really explain it, but there is just something very cool about this guy wearing a Viking helmet and a huge clock around his neck. Why didn't anybody think of this, before?
Well, nevermind that his teeth look like they were borrowed from the cryptkeeper. Yech!

Welcome to Catholic's Corner.

2008-04-15T16:13:00.000-07:00

It seems like every other person that I meet is a Catholic. The Pope is even visiting our country. So, I've been learning all about Catholics to see what it's about.

I met this Priest and his pretty girlfriend at a party. They were very very nice. He went around blessing everybody.

Did you know that the Pope is a German? He is....Really!

It would be neat if they had him wear a helmet, just like in those war movies on TV. Although that hairdo of his sort of looks like it should come equipped with a chinstrap.

Catholics can also help you if your dog gets possessed by demons. So, you won't have to shoot him or have him gassed. (You can anyway if you just don't like him.)

How cool is that?

LOLSluts

2008-04-12T11:35:00.000-07:00

For everyone (who is like me) and is sick and tired of being emailed LOLCats,which are cutsie dumbassed pictured of kitties supposedly saying wittle cute things, here is another angle on the idea.

IM IN UR JAYLZ ... HAVIN NO MAK-UP!

DEY TOOKZ MAH CHILDRENZ MAHD ME PAY MONEE TO SKUMBG...JIST CUZ I DRUNKEN HO!

My Tribute To Canada

2008-04-12T10:43:00.000-07:00

Since I've had lots of fun on my trips to Canada, I thought that I would pay tribute with a nice photo-montage. Of course, since blogger-blogs are such crap...the photos are not in the order that I intended. What the hell, blogger is free and I'm a cheapskate.

Separated At Birth?

2008-04-11T11:26:00.001-07:00

Has to be the same guy...there cannot be two idiots on the same planet who are that irritating. If they are different guys, then I have the unconquerable urge to strangle one with the other's entrails.

Correction

2008-04-11T11:05:00.000-07:00

The Kellogg's OK Oat Cereal guy could not have been plagiarized from the Brawny papertowel ad campaign, because it did not debut until 1974. In fact, the Brawny papertowel lumberjack was pirated from this 1972 Monty Python episode. The resemblence is uncanny. I stand corrected.

More Midnight Exhumations From the Graveyard of Defunct Cereal Brands

2008-04-10T22:29:00.000-07:00

You've got to wonder, did they really exhaust every possible idea for a cereal box mascot, so they had no other choice but to resort to using a wildebeest? Since Kellog's ad-men were so bereft of origional ideas that they were forced into using migratory land animals of the subsaharan African plains, one shudders to think what could have been next...a warthog...a hyena?

Then, there's further evidence that they were completely running out of ideas, when they decided to recycle the Brawny Paper Towel guy on a cereal box. Did they really think that nobody would notice? There's the anobolic steroid induced muscles, the lazy eye, and the clenched fist that's just as large as his pin head. They even blatantly used the word "BR-R-AWNY" on the box. Their lame attempt at disguising him as a scotsman only resulted in this disturbing Village People meets "Braveheart" image.

LOLCats Suck!

2008-04-09T10:06:00.001-07:00

Everybody keeps posting these lame-cutesy photos of kitties saying stupid things. It's really getting old. Cats can't talk. They don't even like you, they just hang around for the free food. If a better offer came along, they'd drop you real quick. And what is the deal with the cheeseburgers? Cats don't eat cheeseburgers! They even lack the functional appendages and motor skills necessary to pick one up.

Weirdo Fight!

2008-04-09T09:58:00.001-07:00

Looks like that stupid Jack-in-the-box clown has finally taken enough $h!+ from the Burger King Wackjob. He's pimp-slapped the dumb out of him, causing his wimpy crown to go flying into the gutter. Now, he's up in his face, telling him to keep his charcoal-broiled crap out of Jack's territory.

This is fun to see, but really I hate them both.

They do to cuisine and dining what Captain Hazelwood and the Exxon Valdez did to Prince Willam Sound. This is sort of like watching a war between the Russians and Germans or the Iranians and Iraqis...you just want it to go on as long as possible and it would be great it both sides could lose.

This Damn Thing is Freaky!

2008-04-08T11:02:00.000-07:00

What is up with this advertising idea?

The thing is tall plastic and creepy. They have him looking in people's windows or just showing up out of nowhere. Then, when he is finally noticed he has this blank lifeless inanimate plastic stare while he holds out some food product. Besides the fact that it is being offered by some insane-looking weirdo...the person takes the sandwich and actually starts eating it! I mean, do normal people ever just start eating something that is handed to them by some stranger? Do they have any idea where it's been?

Despite the fact that he's obviously been carrying that thing around for hours until he could sneak up on someone stupid enough to accept it, that cresandwich (or whatever...) is STILL warm.

Don't they ever worry about "HOW" or "WHY" it's still warm?

Ewwwww!

The Graveyard of Defunct Cereal Brands

2008-04-07T18:36:00.000-07:00

Here we see more failed cereal ideas:

A Crack Bird...

A geriatric amputee pirate with bad teeth...

and

A senile geezer playing with his organ. The kid just seems to be enjoying this way too much. Well, what do you expect?

That last one IS from Canada. You can tell, because the Canadians feel obligated to put French writing on everything so that the Québécois don't get cranky and become even ruder. Come-on! Get over it! You guys lost the Seven Years War! It's over with...the Treaty of Paris 1763 says so. Sheeesh! All of you speak English, anyway. You only insist on the dual English/French labels because you know that the overly polite Anglo-Canadians will fall for your bullshit.

Anyway...what were these cereal-people thinking? Old man smell and a messy mite-infested bird are going to adequately express the importance of a nutritious breakfast?

Besides, what the hell is that thing on the bird's head?

A drooping wattle?...A renaissance painter's hat?

Your guess would be as good as mine.

As for the "sugar Corn-fetti" brand name, at least it accurately indicates the probable nutritional value.

It could be healthier for your kids to eat the "free surprise gift" since polystyrene contains more actual vitamins and fewer chemicals than confetti.

Evil Clown Cereal

2008-04-07T16:33:00.001-07:00

OK...I gotta admit, I just don't get the whole thing with clowns. They are so sinister and creepy. Who in the hell would let their kids be around these weirdo-freaks? That one picture of Bozo totally creeps me out. He looks as if he feasts on brains or someting, and he's worried that the police are going to find the corpse that he dismembered and has packaged in his freezer. Try to imagine how terrifying that freaky-looking thing would be to little kids. No sane person likes clowns, and kids (who they are presumably meant to entertain) scream and avoid them at all costs. Yet, since clowns are so colorful and festive and perform zany antics...some brain-damaged adults just think that kids are supposed to naturally gravitate towards them.

So, who would buy food products packaged in boxes which feature strange beings who make your skin crawl?

And how about the vaguely suggestive label "Large Size" right next to Zippy-the-pinheaded-Clown's leering gaze? Ewww!

They might as well seek a product endorsement from John Wayne Gacy.

Cereal Brands Lost to History

2008-04-06T07:26:00.000-07:00

Ah, let's return to the innocence of the 1950s...when products could be endorsed by effeminate practitioners of the occult without provoking the ire of the religious right. If this brand was still on the shelves, we'd have Pat Robertson indentifying each of the cryptic satanic symbols on the box, while Jerry Falwell would accuse the cartoon wizard spokesman of being gay. Of course, Falwell accuses lots of fictional characters of being gay (kinda makes you wonder what HIS deal is, doesn't it).

But there is plenty to find disturbing about this image. Just look at the maniacal facial expression that he displays as he summons his dark Lord from the depths of the underworld by playing the devil's tri-tone on the musical pentagrams. Yes, this sugar-coated spawn of Beelzebub was relegated back to the hottest corner of the infernal regions where it belongs. I guess they can claim that; "it stays crunchy...even in brimstone."

If you're still not convinced that "Wizard All Stars" was a gay-commie-satanic plot to undermine America's greatness...just take a look at the reverse side of the package. They don't even give a decent prize inside the box...your kids get to cut-out a mask of Satan's top-hatted minion, so that they can take turns becoming just like him.

Probably when concerned parents did complain, Kellog's marketing team made a frantic reversal with a lame attempt to appeal to Cold War patriotism and the military industrial complex by offering a Nuclear submarine kit...for only 25 cents! What the USS Nautilus has to do with an effete top-hat wearing conjurer is anyone's guess. Maybe, he could wave his magic fairie wand for a fantasy visit to the sailor's quarters? Or perhaps it was a conspiracy by Kellogs to forward the classified plans for our frontline strategic fleet ballistic missile submarines straight to their Marxist brethren at the Kremlin. Fortunately for the free world, their diabolical plans were thwarted.

Cereal Brands That Didn't Make It.

2008-04-05T13:39:00.000-07:00

Uugh...all that sugar!

More Cute Spiders!

2008-04-01T20:44:00.001-07:00

I wouldn't mind getting caught in this web.

Actually, that's Lucky St. James (aka Juliana Mabry) doing her Burlesque act at Le Cabaret Rouge in Houston. Très beau!

Her father built the spider web and frame that she uses for this bit. He told her "I don't want to know what it's for."

Cute Wittle Spiders.

2008-04-01T16:18:00.001-07:00

Here's what my kid wanted for Easter, so we went to the petstore and picked one out.

The spider itself was only $17, it was all of the ancillary stuff; cage, special soil, log spider house, fake plant, humidity gauge, spidey water bowl, heat lamp, and live crickets for spider chow that made it cost around $110.

Well, he gets a kick out of feeding the crickets to the thing and he's named her "Medussa". It's neat to watch her feed and make her webs;

much better than some smelly poo-making rabbit or duckie.

More Cute Blondes!

2008-03-30T07:13:00.000-07:00

Her name is Alison Damore. She's sort-of done some acting; local commercials, comedy fundraisers, etc. Her primary claim to fame is that she was one of the Motorsports Unlimited girls, doing public appearances and TV while in a skimpy (but tasteful) costume which included feathers.
Best of all, she looks just as hot when wet as she does dry.

More Cute Bears!

2008-03-27T04:52:00.000-07:00

Don't you just wanta pat this wittle guy's head and feed him marshmellows? He looks like if you could just poke him in the tummy he'd giggle. Well, that's not a very good idea, because his mommy is one of the largest land predator's in North America and will rip your throat out with her massive sharp claws, jump up-and-down on your writhing carcass until it stops twitching, and then stuff your corpse under pile of dead tree branches until it ages a bit so that she can come back in a couple of days and have what's left for a snack. Bon Appetit! :)

When Schnauzers Attack!

2008-03-23T09:10:00.001-07:00

It's Mr. Barky Von Schnauzer to the rescue.

He's even got his own website: http://mrbarkyvonschnauzer.ytmnd.com/

(I know, I know...it's irritating, but what do you expect from a dog? I mean, they lack most cognitive abilities and prehensile, opposible thumbs/forefingers. He probably has to type one letter at a time with those clumbsy front paws.)

Anyway...

In this picture:

He's attacking Poultricide, the creepy evil chicken from an earlier post on this very blog.

Bear Fight!

2008-03-19T21:40:00.001-07:00

"Why, you...I oughta...!"

The Great Pig Massacre.

2008-03-18T19:25:00.000-07:00

I went to this place near Salado, Texas where they let us shoot all the pigs that we wanted to.

After we shot most of the pigs the rest of them ran off. So, we shot empty cans and stuff. I even shot an old refrigerator, one that didn't work anymore.

Then we went back to this cabin and drank lots of whiskey. I couldn't believe this guy (his name is Curtiss) actually put his mouth on one of the dirty things. Yuck! I didn't get THAT drunk.

Evidently, the people who own this place don't like pigs. That's why they wanted us to kill them.

They aren't muslims or anything...I think they're Catholics, but they just don't like pigs.

A Tribute To My Favorite Actress.

2008-03-18T00:24:00.000-07:00

Her name is Ashlie Rhey and she has appeared in such artistic film masterpieces as: "Beverly Hills Bordello II", "Midnight Tease", "Erotic Confessions", "Primal", "Pot Zombies II", "Bikini Ho-Down", "Cannibal Taboo", and "Texas Frightmare Weekend".

Here, we see her during a candid moment at the State Fair in Dallas. She insisted on having her picture taken with the giant weenie.

"Sigh"...such gracious beauty.

I've been her biggest fan since I first saw her in "Boiler room" and fell in love.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

2008-03-17T14:28:00.000-07:00

OK, who's Irish?

Here Is Where I Went On Vacation

2008-03-16T21:42:00.000-07:00

I went to Tijuana, Mexico. This is always a fun place. It's sort of like a petting zoo for perverts.

Usually, I'll also see a bullfight and go to a whorehouse.

Papa's and Beer is a great place in Ensenada.

I Really Have To Get A New Picture

2008-03-16T09:28:00.001-07:00

I just noticed that my picture is really outdated.
That one was taken in 1944 outside one of the Poultry plants that I own.
In the picture I'm kidding and joking around with some of my drivers. They got a real big laugh out of the old "go ahead, pull my finger" gag.

Thought For The Day

2008-03-15T14:28:00.001-07:00

Help stamp out apathy.
Or don't...I don't care.

This guy is my Evil Nemesis

2008-03-15T06:28:00.000-07:00

His name is Poulticide. He likes to hang out on chatrooms and guestbooks telling other people about his bizarre antics. Stuff like tying-up hens and threatening them with a switchblade.
(well, more information than we really want to know.
You can see him at this site: http://www.subservientchicken.com/

Real creepy, isn't he?
Evidently, he get's off by being in the subservient role.
Go ahead, tell him to do whatever you want him to do.
Or don't... see if I care.

The Ramblings of badVlad

2008-03-15T06:17:00.000-07:00

I am in a very foul mood, today.
Neeeee!

Does this thing work?