Dolphins Evolve Opposable Thumbs

HONOLULU–In an announcement with grave implications for the primacy of the human species, marine biologists at the Hawaii Oceanographic Institute reported Monday that dolphins, or family Delphinidae, have evolved opposable thumbs on their pectoral fins.

"I believe I speak for the entire human race when I say, 'Holy fuck,'" said Oceanographic Institute director Dr. James Aoki, noting that the dolphin has a cranial capacity 40 percent greater than that of humans. "That's it for us monkeys."
Aoki strongly urged humans, especially those living near the sea, to learn to communicate using a system of clicks and whistles in a frequency range of 4 to 150 kHz. He also encouraged humans to "start practicing their echolocation as soon as possible."
Delphinologists have reported more than 7,000 cases of spontaneous opposable-digit manifestation in the past two weeks alone, with "thumbs" observed on the bottle-nosed dolphin, the Atlantic humpback dolphin, and even the rare Ganges River dolphin.
"It appears to be species-wide," said dolphin specialist Clifford Brees of the Kewalo Basin Marine Mammal Laboratory, speaking from the shark cage he welded shut around himself late Monday. "And it may be even worse: We haven't exactly been eager to check for thumbs on other marine mammals belonging to the order of cetaceans, such as the killer whale. Oh, Christ, we're really in the soup now."
Thus far, all the opposable digits encountered appear to be fully functional, making it possible for dolphins–believed to be capable of faster and more complex cogitation than man–to manipulate objects, fashion tools, and construct rudimentary pulley and lever systems.

Top Wall Street Firm To Be Acquired By Tooth Fairy

The market responded with enthusiasm today to reports that the Tooth Fairy has agreed to acquire Lehman Brothers. The purchase price has not yet been determined, but will be set by Lehman CEO Dick Fuld wishing upon a star, clicking his heels three times, and being transported back to that magical kingdom where Lehman stock still sells for over $70 per share.
In related news, Lehman has agreed to sell all of its Level III capital, including CDOs, ABSs, pet rocks, baseball cards, firm umbrellas, and credit default swaps written by MBIA and Ambac. Lehman's Level III capital will be acquired for 150% of its face value by Tinkerbell, who will carry it off to Never Neverland, where it will be fed to a crocodile. Lehman is financing 90% of the acquisition at an interest rate usually reserved for subprime borrowers; Tinkerbell's upfront payment consists of a handful of pixie dust, three crickets, and a bullfrog. Ladenburg Thalmann bank analyst Dick Bove estimates that the bullfrog could eventually be transformed into three princes and a pumpkin coach (but doesn't want to be quoted in case he is sued).
The deal gives Lehman no recourse to any of Tinkerbell's assets other than the Level III capital. If Tinkerbell defaults, Lehman's successor entity will stick its hand down the crocodile's throat and attempt to get it to regurgitate. The firm's historical value-at-risk analysis shows that sticking one's hand down a crocodile's throat is completely safe.
Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson issued a statement: 'I am delighted that SWFs (Sovereign Wealth Fairies) continue to express confidence in the terrific values represented by American financial institutions. As I have been saying since August of 2007, this shows that the crisis is now over'.
Meanwhile, US regulator the Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) has announced an investigation of mean, evil, wicked, bad short-seller Capt'n David Einhook. While out for grog with a few of his mateys , Einhook reportedly suggested that the Tooth Fairy might not exist, and that wishing upon a star is not a wholly reliable pricing mechanism (although he admitted that it has been a commonly-used methodology in the past). Christopher Cox, chairman of the SEC, said, 'Vicious rumors attacking the Tooth Fairy will not be tolerated. Our entire financial system, and indeed the American way of life, depend on the Tooth Fairy and wishing upon a star. How else could one value Level III capital appropriately ?'. The SEC is reportedly planning to set up re-education camps for short-sellers at Guantanamo Bay' so they can never bother anyone, ever again. The End.

Chick Porn

If you thought that Burger King couldn't get any stranger than they already are with that stupid walking plastic King (see my blog archives from 8 April), then take a look at "Subservient Chicken".

You can boss Subservient Chicken around on Burger King's website: http://www.subservientchicken.com/ and it will do whatever you tell it to. Just be prepared to feel your skin crawl and to throw-up in your mouth a little. At least it's not a clown.

Ted Haggard Has Started a New Ministry

Anyone else curious as to what the sermon is going to be about? Is he sharing his own personal experience on how to deal with male prostitutes?
That sign makes me want to stay home on Sunday morning and do yard work.
That's just too much information from Pastor Haggard.
Oh, and he still insists that he's NOT gay.
Actually, he's probably not. That would require being human, first.

Allahu Ahk-Bear!

Derka-Derka, Mohammad Jihad!

It's the CAIR bears...TeddyHamas, HezzBearlah, and Jihad Ben. Whatever you do, just don't touch the little red button on his vest. Once they martyr themselves, 72 untouched picnic baskets await them in the afterlife.