LOLCats Suck!

Everybody keeps posting these lame-cutesy photos of kitties saying stupid things. It's really getting old. Cats can't talk. They don't even like you, they just hang around for the free food. If a better offer came along, they'd drop you real quick. And what is the deal with the cheeseburgers? Cats don't eat cheeseburgers! They even lack the functional appendages and motor skills necessary to pick one up.

Weirdo Fight!

Looks like that stupid Jack-in-the-box clown has finally taken enough $h!+ from the Burger King Wackjob. He's pimp-slapped the dumb out of him, causing his wimpy crown to go flying into the gutter. Now, he's up in his face, telling him to keep his charcoal-broiled crap out of Jack's territory.

This is fun to see, but really I hate them both.

They do to cuisine and dining what Captain Hazelwood and the Exxon Valdez did to Prince Willam Sound. This is sort of like watching a war between the Russians and Germans or the Iranians and Iraqis...you just want it to go on as long as possible and it would be great it both sides could lose.

This Damn Thing is Freaky!

What is up with this advertising idea?

The thing is tall plastic and creepy. They have him looking in people's windows or just showing up out of nowhere. Then, when he is finally noticed he has this blank lifeless inanimate plastic stare while he holds out some food product. Besides the fact that it is being offered by some insane-looking weirdo...the person takes the sandwich and actually starts eating it! I mean, do normal people ever just start eating something that is handed to them by some stranger? Do they have any idea where it's been?

Despite the fact that he's obviously been carrying that thing around for hours until he could sneak up on someone stupid enough to accept it, that cresandwich (or whatever...) is STILL warm.

Don't they ever worry about "HOW" or "WHY" it's still warm?

Ewwwww!

The Graveyard of Defunct Cereal Brands

Here we see more failed cereal ideas:

A Crack Bird...

A geriatric amputee pirate with bad teeth...

and

A senile geezer playing with his organ. The kid just seems to be enjoying this way too much. Well, what do you expect?

That last one IS from Canada. You can tell, because the Canadians feel obligated to put French writing on everything so that the Québécois don't get cranky and become even ruder. Come-on! Get over it! You guys lost the Seven Years War! It's over with...the Treaty of Paris 1763 says so. Sheeesh! All of you speak English, anyway. You only insist on the dual English/French labels because you know that the overly polite Anglo-Canadians will fall for your bullshit.

Anyway...what were these cereal-people thinking? Old man smell and a messy mite-infested bird are going to adequately express the importance of a nutritious breakfast?

Besides, what the hell is that thing on the bird's head?

A drooping wattle?...A renaissance painter's hat?

Your guess would be as good as mine.

As for the "sugar Corn-fetti" brand name, at least it accurately indicates the probable nutritional value.

It could be healthier for your kids to eat the "free surprise gift" since polystyrene contains more actual vitamins and fewer chemicals than confetti.

Evil Clown Cereal

OK...I gotta admit, I just don't get the whole thing with clowns. They are so sinister and creepy. Who in the hell would let their kids be around these weirdo-freaks? That one picture of Bozo totally creeps me out. He looks as if he feasts on brains or someting, and he's worried that the police are going to find the corpse that he dismembered and has packaged in his freezer. Try to imagine how terrifying that freaky-looking thing would be to little kids. No sane person likes clowns, and kids (who they are presumably meant to entertain) scream and avoid them at all costs. Yet, since clowns are so colorful and festive and perform zany antics...some brain-damaged adults just think that kids are supposed to naturally gravitate towards them.

So, who would buy food products packaged in boxes which feature strange beings who make your skin crawl?

And how about the vaguely suggestive label "Large Size" right next to Zippy-the-pinheaded-Clown's leering gaze? Ewww!

They might as well seek a product endorsement from John Wayne Gacy.

Cereal Brands Lost to History

Ah, let's return to the innocence of the 1950s...when products could be endorsed by effeminate practitioners of the occult without provoking the ire of the religious right. If this brand was still on the shelves, we'd have Pat Robertson indentifying each of the cryptic satanic symbols on the box, while Jerry Falwell would accuse the cartoon wizard spokesman of being gay. Of course, Falwell accuses lots of fictional characters of being gay (kinda makes you wonder what HIS deal is, doesn't it).

But there is plenty to find disturbing about this image. Just look at the maniacal facial expression that he displays as he summons his dark Lord from the depths of the underworld by playing the devil's tri-tone on the musical pentagrams. Yes, this sugar-coated spawn of Beelzebub was relegated back to the hottest corner of the infernal regions where it belongs. I guess they can claim that; "it stays crunchy...even in brimstone."

If you're still not convinced that "Wizard All Stars" was a gay-commie-satanic plot to undermine America's greatness...just take a look at the reverse side of the package. They don't even give a decent prize inside the box...your kids get to cut-out a mask of Satan's top-hatted minion, so that they can take turns becoming just like him.

Probably when concerned parents did complain, Kellog's marketing team made a frantic reversal with a lame attempt to appeal to Cold War patriotism and the military industrial complex by offering a Nuclear submarine kit...for only 25 cents! What the USS Nautilus has to do with an effete top-hat wearing conjurer is anyone's guess. Maybe, he could wave his magic fairie wand for a fantasy visit to the sailor's quarters? Or perhaps it was a conspiracy by Kellogs to forward the classified plans for our frontline strategic fleet ballistic missile submarines straight to their Marxist brethren at the Kremlin. Fortunately for the free world, their diabolical plans were thwarted.

Cereal Brands That Didn't Make It.

Uugh...all that sugar!