Stoopid Human Tricks (or U.S. Out of North America!)

Can someone explain protestors to me? I don't quite grasp the rationale behind what they are doing.

OK...Does the stupid fatfuck holding the palestinian flag, wearing a Kaffieyah, sporting campy/retro church-lady sunglasses, and carrying a Che purse actually think that the absurd spectacle of him standing on a streetcorner looking ridiculous is a form of political discourse? In his wildest dreams does he really believe that someone who is normally conservative and Pro-Israel is going to notice him and go; "You know...fat-bearded-smelly-guy is right...the Palestinians should have their own country, and to do it we need to drive all the Israelis into the Mediterranean and kill them. Yeah...THAT'S the ticket!"

As for the blue hat guy; It's certain that his non-existent ovaries are completely safe from government intrustion. In fact, most of the black-uniformed jackbooted government thugs that I know would be so interested in joining the hippie chicks who are forming the conga line in the background that they aren't going to even notice him, even if he were somehow miraculously endowed with female genitalia.

Hey! Yellow-rainhat-lady! Would you at least learn how to draw a proper peace sign? Is THAT too much to ask? Mercedes Benz is not sponsoring the hippie-dippy peace rally...and yes-yes, we know that you really love your new 360 LS.

I Hate Those Vytorin Ads!!!

We've all seen them. They are those irritating ads which show some kind of food and standing next to it is a creepy-weird old person who is dressed in a manner which subliminally makes them look like the particular food product. The jist of it is that you get cholesterol from your diet, but how your body processes it is effected by heredity.

OK! We get it, but something about those ads is just wrong.

Imagine Jeffery Dahmer eating his relatives and then having a high HDL cholesterol level at his next physical. That would illustrate the effects of both heredity and diet at the same time.

The only way they could make these ads any more disturbing would be to feature Rosie O'Donnell standing next to a steaming plate of pickled hog intestines.

In fact, I don't even like this post being on my blog, because of the hideous shade of crimson which comprises most of it. I am truly vexed by it. My lame attempt at rectifying it by changing the background to mint green only made it worse.

Such A Cute Wittle Bear

His name is Rocky. He's five years old, stands 7 1/2 feet tall, and weighs 700 pounds.

Rocky has appeared in several movies. Sadly, he's probably out of a job, merely because he mistook his trainer for a sandwich and bit him in the neck. Right now there is an investigation being conducted to determine why a very large wild land predator would do such a thing. Maybe Rocky just doesn't like being tickled.

Why Do People Listen to This Clown?

Yes, professional buttwipe, Dr. Phil is now out pushing his latest bullshit selfhelp book for the Oprah-loving crowd. He is so irritating and whiney, I don't know how people actually take anything that he says seriously. Is he even a real Doctor? Well, he used to be until the States of Texas and California pulled his psychology license. It was due to professional misconduct, or rather: an "inapropriate relationship" with a 19 year old patient. He was 39 years old and married at the time. Damn! what was SHE thinking?...crazy girl must have needed to see a shrink or something. Too bad she went to see Phil, instead.

Now....This guy, gives really good advice.


His name is BigTit Bob from Austin. Here we see him in the Alamo drafthouse enjoying their famous "burger and a helmet" lunch special. Bob doesn't give a shit about anything, so he'll come right out and tell you the truth. You could actually pattern your life based on his astute observations and wise counsel. He's a much better advisor than Dr. Phil, and guess what: He holds just as many professional credentials. Oprah and him would make a really cute couple. Actually, he'd probably mistake her for 400 lbs. of bear liver in a cellophane bag and eat her. (...and the downside IS?)

Mommy Dearest

OK, so the cops took a bunch of kids away from these strange characters and some people are actually complaining that they (the cops) "went too far". Huh??? Oh come-on!!! That one in the front with the monobrow and the Joan Crawford shoulders looks really scary-mean. Just imagine if you were her teenaged daughter and you were given the choice of being nailed by some filthy drooling old geezer or having Mommystein give you a good thrashing..."NO MORE Wire HANGERS...EVER!!!"

The cops were just doing their jobs and made a good call.
After those kids are issued Iphones and PS3s, and are taught how to hangout at the mall they'll be fully ready to join our civilization.

Come On! ....Do It!

Evidently, not all Lolcat photos completely suck. If he could have only included an "After" picture.

Because of the graphic nature of some of my earlier posts I have gotten a few angry emails accusing me of hating animals.
Well...that's not true! Actually, I'm very fond of veal.
The idea of eating something that died young is very appealing to me.
My dream post would be to combine this with my last two posts and have Flavor Flav shooting Kevin Federline in the face with that chrome-plated 9mm Beretta pimpgun. Then, we could just let the Kitty run free in its natural habitat on the streets of Philadephia.
Fluffy should get along just fine as long as he don't try to bebop wit da homies or talk to da mentals. (For proper effect, that should be said with a philly accent.)

Biggest Douche In The Universe Competition

A contestant from Planet Earth/Milky Way Galaxy has taken the crown, again this year as Kevin Federline replaces John Edward as the official Biggest Douche in the Universe.
Hopefully, his reign as BDIU will raise awareness and much needed additional research to treat the mysterious muscle disease which has twisted his hand into this hideous trident-shaped appendage and left him a nonfunctioning white trash idiot. He is also currently in negotiations with Webster's dictionary publishers who wish to use his likeness as an illustrated example of "Shit-eating grin". His winning the title of Biggest Douche in the Universe is attributed to the fact that he is an unemployable loser with a room temperature IQ who sponges off of his pitiful substance-abusing ex-wife, instead of doing what a man would have done which is clean her up by getting her off the junk/booze. His winning prize will consist of having his head held upside-down in a large container of vinegar/water solution until he stops moving. The choice of awarding the honor to Federline was controversial among many of the judges, because he had also been named "Largest Toilet Bowl Skidmark" in the Universe, and he is the first earth resident to hold both titles simultaneously.

The previous reigning Biggest-Douche-In-The-Universe, John Edward... merely tricked gullible naive people into believing that he could speak with their dead relatives. Somehow he has managed to make a lot of money doing this; whereas, if there really was any justice in the world he would have gotten his ass kicked to death and would now be smoking a fresh dog turd in the hottest corner of hell.














*Legal disclaimer: Biggest Douche in the Universe competition is the sole intellectual property of Matt Stone and Trey Parker use of which is prohibited without their express permission.

**Legal disclaimer: Kevin Federline was already a white trash idiot prior to the onset of said unidentified degenerative muscluar disease. The narrative is merely claiming that his status was changed to" nonfunctioning white trash idiot" based on physical degradation.

**Legal disclaimer: John Edward could no longer serve as reigning Biggest Douche in the Universe due to contest rules which prohibit consecutive wins; therefore, Kevin Federline is current champion BDIU.