Campaign 2008

It's getting real close to the election and we have to make up our minds who to vote for. Either the old guy and the Alaskan snow bunny or the Obama Joe Biden dudes. I like McCain because he actually flew bombers in the war, then he got shot down and captured. After they tortured him and shit, they offered to let him go if he'd read a propaganda statement on film. The guy told them to go fuck themselves, then he spit in their bastard commie faces. That probably really pissed them off. So, we know he won't put up with any shit from the Iranians or Russians. He sounds like he's still a badass.

Islamic Cleric Declares: "Mickey Mouse Must Die!"

A prominent Saudi Islamic cleric has issued a fatwa, or religious edict, against Mickey Mouse, whom he characterized as an agent of Satan sent to corrupt young minds.
Sheikh Mohammed Al-Munajid told Saudi Arabia's Al-Majd Television that his beef with Mickey is that he is a mouse, a creature that Islam sees as "repulsive and corrupting."
Al-Munajid explained that Islamic law refers to the mouse as "little corrupter" and a creature that is "steered by Satan," and grants permission to all Muslims to "kill [mice] in all cases."
Therefore, according to Islamic law, insisted the sheikh, "Mickey Mouse should be killed."

Someone forgot to inform this guy; "Pssst...Hey...Mickey Mouse is not real."

One wonders how he intends to carry out the execution of this death sentence.

Is he going to hire Wile E. Coyote as a hitman?

The Muslims should really be more concerned with Pluto, since he is the actual god of underworld. Next, they can go after the stuttering pig and that pantless duck or what about Moose and Squirrel?

Hey, at least this guy isn't pulling a Falwell and claiming that Mickey Mouse is gay or anything.

So it isn't just American religious leaders who have a problem differentiating between real life and fiction, but Falwell wasn't wanting to have Tinky Winky or SpongeBob wacked. Anyone who declares a fatwah against a cartoon character is really in bad need of a hobby, and when I say "hobby" I really mean a JDAM dropped from an FA-18.

Great Canadians of the 20th Century

Many Americans do not truly appreciate the achievements and contributions that Canadians have shared with the world. Some Americans cannot even find Canada on a map. Or as Miss South Carolina put it: "I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because...ah some...people out there in our nation don't have maps and...ah. ..."

EXACTLY!

So, in a futile attempt to remedy this, I will be doing a series of biographical profiles of various Canadians who have excelled in the fields of science, literature, sports, medicine, arts, and entertainment. I will be doing this until all "U.S.-Americans" have been made aware that Canada really is a country and that people live up there...or until I get tired of doing this...whichever comes first.

I will kick-off the series with the life story of this dapper gentleman:

Winston "Scotty" Fitzgerald of White Pointe, Nova Scotia (1914-1987).

Scotty came from a family of violin-playing fishermen which resulted in him playing the violin and fishing at an early age. He became a reknowned Cape Breton fiddler...not to be confused with "a whiddler", of course. He excelled in this lovely style of playing which is of Celtic origins and a mixture of Scottish and Irish traditional music. The driven-up bowing technique and strong downbeat pulse timing that he perfected was known to always bring a dancehall to life. His band "the Radio Entertainers" recorded numerous 78s and four LPs. Unfortunately, these recordings are out of print. So, forget it...just go back to listening to Madonna. Somebody out there is buying that shit.

Sarah Palin...All-American MILF

McPain certainly knew what he was doing when he picked her. Now even I am interested in politics. Let's see...who was it that Baraky Ali Baba picked for his VP? I don't quite remember? I think it was some guy with hairplugs and old man smell. Oh well, who cares?

I can't really explain it, but there's just something cool and sexy about a absolutely hot woman brandishing a firearm.

Jesus Surprises 700 Club With Walk-On Appearance

VIRGINIA BEACH, VA—Friday's episode of the popular Christian-current affairs program "The 700 Club" featured a surprise appearance by Jesus Christ, who dropped by the set and chatted briefly with host Pat Robertson. Christ told Robertson "...verily I say unto you, if you truly seek a place in my kingdom, heed my call: give all of your wealth to the poor and follow me, for thou cannot serve both God and mammon. No man can serve two masters, either he will hate the one and love the other; or else he will be devoted to one and despise the other. In my service your riches will not be of this world where thieves break through and steal or moth and rust doth corrupt. For where your treasure is, so shall your heart be also." A stunned and surprised Robertson quickly called for security before leading into a commercial break. After which the show continued with their regularly scheduled guests; Dr. Manny Alvarez with a segment discussing "What fast food and stress are doing to our bodies" and Life Coach Valerie Burton introducing her latest self-help book, "Discovering Your Inner Beauty; Cosmetics for the Soul."
The show's Executive Producer issued an official statement indicating that Federal INS and Homeland Security departments have been notified concerning the undocumented status of the man they described as "a dangerous Middle Eastern agitator", since he apparently had no passport or identification when confronted by studio security. Later in the show Robertson quipped "with a name like, Hay-Soos, that guy is obviously in the country illegally. Can you believe he had the nerve to come on MY show and spew all that liberal-socialist spread-the-wealth nonsense? What do we care what he says, he's not even allowed to vote!"

Dolphins Evolve Opposable Thumbs

HONOLULU–In an announcement with grave implications for the primacy of the human species, marine biologists at the Hawaii Oceanographic Institute reported Monday that dolphins, or family Delphinidae, have evolved opposable thumbs on their pectoral fins.

"I believe I speak for the entire human race when I say, 'Holy fuck,'" said Oceanographic Institute director Dr. James Aoki, noting that the dolphin has a cranial capacity 40 percent greater than that of humans. "That's it for us monkeys."
Aoki strongly urged humans, especially those living near the sea, to learn to communicate using a system of clicks and whistles in a frequency range of 4 to 150 kHz. He also encouraged humans to "start practicing their echolocation as soon as possible."
Delphinologists have reported more than 7,000 cases of spontaneous opposable-digit manifestation in the past two weeks alone, with "thumbs" observed on the bottle-nosed dolphin, the Atlantic humpback dolphin, and even the rare Ganges River dolphin.
"It appears to be species-wide," said dolphin specialist Clifford Brees of the Kewalo Basin Marine Mammal Laboratory, speaking from the shark cage he welded shut around himself late Monday. "And it may be even worse: We haven't exactly been eager to check for thumbs on other marine mammals belonging to the order of cetaceans, such as the killer whale. Oh, Christ, we're really in the soup now."
Thus far, all the opposable digits encountered appear to be fully functional, making it possible for dolphins–believed to be capable of faster and more complex cogitation than man–to manipulate objects, fashion tools, and construct rudimentary pulley and lever systems.

Top Wall Street Firm To Be Acquired By Tooth Fairy

The market responded with enthusiasm today to reports that the Tooth Fairy has agreed to acquire Lehman Brothers. The purchase price has not yet been determined, but will be set by Lehman CEO Dick Fuld wishing upon a star, clicking his heels three times, and being transported back to that magical kingdom where Lehman stock still sells for over $70 per share.
In related news, Lehman has agreed to sell all of its Level III capital, including CDOs, ABSs, pet rocks, baseball cards, firm umbrellas, and credit default swaps written by MBIA and Ambac. Lehman's Level III capital will be acquired for 150% of its face value by Tinkerbell, who will carry it off to Never Neverland, where it will be fed to a crocodile. Lehman is financing 90% of the acquisition at an interest rate usually reserved for subprime borrowers; Tinkerbell's upfront payment consists of a handful of pixie dust, three crickets, and a bullfrog. Ladenburg Thalmann bank analyst Dick Bove estimates that the bullfrog could eventually be transformed into three princes and a pumpkin coach (but doesn't want to be quoted in case he is sued).
The deal gives Lehman no recourse to any of Tinkerbell's assets other than the Level III capital. If Tinkerbell defaults, Lehman's successor entity will stick its hand down the crocodile's throat and attempt to get it to regurgitate. The firm's historical value-at-risk analysis shows that sticking one's hand down a crocodile's throat is completely safe.
Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson issued a statement: 'I am delighted that SWFs (Sovereign Wealth Fairies) continue to express confidence in the terrific values represented by American financial institutions. As I have been saying since August of 2007, this shows that the crisis is now over'.
Meanwhile, US regulator the Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) has announced an investigation of mean, evil, wicked, bad short-seller Capt'n David Einhook. While out for grog with a few of his mateys , Einhook reportedly suggested that the Tooth Fairy might not exist, and that wishing upon a star is not a wholly reliable pricing mechanism (although he admitted that it has been a commonly-used methodology in the past). Christopher Cox, chairman of the SEC, said, 'Vicious rumors attacking the Tooth Fairy will not be tolerated. Our entire financial system, and indeed the American way of life, depend on the Tooth Fairy and wishing upon a star. How else could one value Level III capital appropriately ?'. The SEC is reportedly planning to set up re-education camps for short-sellers at Guantanamo Bay' so they can never bother anyone, ever again. The End.