Disturbing Ads From Yesteryear (part 4)

Could someone please explain what purpose it would serve to scold an infant? And what is up with that cylophane covered hat? How does it stay on the kid's head? Is it glued there?

Basically, the Marlboro people found some sort of humour in bad parenting; verbally abusing a baby and then subjecting him to noxious tobacco smoke, because Mommy-dearest can't control her temper without Bogarting a filterless coffin nail to calm herself down. Sweet!

Disturbing Ad Campaigns From Yesteryear (part 3, feminine hygiene)

Here we see two feminine hygiene ads from the 1940s. The featured products are from market competitors, yet the management of both companies used eerily similar advertisements.

Evidently, a widespread lack of "feminine freshness" was causing an epidemic of nattily-dressed men leaving their wives. So, along came Zonite and Lysol to rescue the American family.

This begs the question; was the average American male at the time completely ignorant of biology and unable to make a simple caring suggestion to his innocent young wife about a common health concern?

Or perhaps, it was just a convenient excuse to leave for a night out with "the boys". I can't help but notice a striking resemblence between the guys in these ads and the two PJ-clad homo-erotic log ride partners in the ad posted below.

Disturbing Ad Campaigns From Yesteryear (part 2, sausage-squad up the blue-end)

Nothing to see here, folks; just two bachelors goofing off in their PJs, giving each other log rides...Meanwhile, some half-human, half-reindeer creatures are hanging out in the background... Just another typical Christmas. Actually it's more like Norman Rockwell collaborated with Robert Maplethorp to produce this ad for Textron's new line of PJs from their Sodom and Gomorrah collection.

Disturbing Ad Campaigns From Yesteryear

What the hell?

It's Ricky the magic Cancer-Elf tempting all passersby with the medicinal benefits of tar and nicotine.

This ad obviously dates back to the carefree good-old days, prior to child labour laws and surgeon generals' warnings. During this golden age all of the finer hotels employed squads of uniformed children to handout cigarettes in the lobby.

The Last Breakfast

Well, I don't know very much about art, but I know what I like.

Bush Shocker!

What can I say? This has not been photoshopped. It is real and featured on the Whitehouse website. If you don't believe me, then check it out: http://www.whitehouse.gov/news/releases/2008/11/images/20081112_d-0077-5-515h.html As if things weren't bad enough, we now have the president acting like a douche. Anytime a Bush is President, whether it's Poppy or Junior, we get wars and economic crisis. Is there any way that we can move up the inauguration? I have a recommendation on where Bush can place that pinky-finger of his, but I'm afraid that his head would be in the way.

Who Is This Man...and why does a thread about him warrant over 6100 Entries?

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Du Rouge a Levres Sur Une Cochonne

MONTREAL—Sarah Palin unwittingly took a prank call Saturday from a Canadian comedian posing as French President Nicolas Sarkozy and telling her she would make a good president someday.
"Maybe in eight years," replied a laughing Palin.
The Republican vice presidential nominee discussed politics, the perils of hunting with Vice President Dick Cheney, and Sarkozy's "beautiful wife," in a recording of the six-minute call released Saturday and set to air Monday on a Quebec radio station.

The call was made by a well-known Montreal comedy duo Marc-Antoine Audette and Sebastien Trudel. Known as the Masked Avengers, the two are notorious for prank calls to celebrities and heads of state.
Audette, posed as Sarkozy, spoke in an exaggerated French accent and dropped ample hints that the conversation was a joke. But Palin seemingly did not pick up on them.
He told Palin one of his favorite pastimes is hunting, also a passion of the 44-year-old Alaska governor.
"I just love killing those animals. Mmm, mmm, take away life, that is so fun," the fake Sarkozy said.
He proposed that they go hunting together by helicopter, something he said he has never done.

When Audette referred to Canadian singer Steph Carse as Canada's prime minister, Palin replied: "Well, he's doing fine and yeah, when you come into a position misunderestimated it gives you an opportunity to prove the pundits and the critics wrong. You work that much harder." Canada's prime minister is Stephen Harper.

The caller asked Palin if Joe the Plumber was her husband and added: "We have the equivalent of Joe the Plumber in France. It's called Marcel, the guy with bread under his armpit."

As a Palin supporter all I can do is express my disappointment. She never takes my calls anymore, but she'll spend plenty of time talking to this guy just because he can do a cheezy French accent. The last time we spoke, she only said; "Who is this?" and hung up. The heavy breathing probably didn't help.

White People Should Not Wear Doo-Rags!

As if hundreds of years of slavery, lynchings, and decades of Jim Crow laws were not horrible enough, now pink-eared little brats in the suburbs have to insult an entire race of people by trying to act "ghetto". Has this fool looked in the mirror, lately? Maybe the blonde twins never bothered to learn how to read and don't know what the T-shirt says. Still, the pantyhose hat and the blunt stuck next to one of his protruding Opie-ears should have clued them in to the fact that he is a walking racoon turd.

Campaign 2008

It's getting real close to the election and we have to make up our minds who to vote for. Either the old guy and the Alaskan snow bunny or the Obama Joe Biden dudes. I like McCain because he actually flew bombers in the war, then he got shot down and captured. After they tortured him and shit, they offered to let him go if he'd read a propaganda statement on film. The guy told them to go fuck themselves, then he spit in their bastard commie faces. That probably really pissed them off. So, we know he won't put up with any shit from the Iranians or Russians. He sounds like he's still a badass.

Islamic Cleric Declares: "Mickey Mouse Must Die!"

A prominent Saudi Islamic cleric has issued a fatwa, or religious edict, against Mickey Mouse, whom he characterized as an agent of Satan sent to corrupt young minds.
Sheikh Mohammed Al-Munajid told Saudi Arabia's Al-Majd Television that his beef with Mickey is that he is a mouse, a creature that Islam sees as "repulsive and corrupting."
Al-Munajid explained that Islamic law refers to the mouse as "little corrupter" and a creature that is "steered by Satan," and grants permission to all Muslims to "kill [mice] in all cases."
Therefore, according to Islamic law, insisted the sheikh, "Mickey Mouse should be killed."

Someone forgot to inform this guy; "Pssst...Hey...Mickey Mouse is not real."

One wonders how he intends to carry out the execution of this death sentence.

Is he going to hire Wile E. Coyote as a hitman?

The Muslims should really be more concerned with Pluto, since he is the actual god of underworld. Next, they can go after the stuttering pig and that pantless duck or what about Moose and Squirrel?

Hey, at least this guy isn't pulling a Falwell and claiming that Mickey Mouse is gay or anything.

So it isn't just American religious leaders who have a problem differentiating between real life and fiction, but Falwell wasn't wanting to have Tinky Winky or SpongeBob wacked. Anyone who declares a fatwah against a cartoon character is really in bad need of a hobby, and when I say "hobby" I really mean a JDAM dropped from an FA-18.

Great Canadians of the 20th Century

Many Americans do not truly appreciate the achievements and contributions that Canadians have shared with the world. Some Americans cannot even find Canada on a map. Or as Miss South Carolina put it: "I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because...ah some...people out there in our nation don't have maps and...ah. ..."

EXACTLY!

So, in a futile attempt to remedy this, I will be doing a series of biographical profiles of various Canadians who have excelled in the fields of science, literature, sports, medicine, arts, and entertainment. I will be doing this until all "U.S.-Americans" have been made aware that Canada really is a country and that people live up there...or until I get tired of doing this...whichever comes first.

I will kick-off the series with the life story of this dapper gentleman:

Winston "Scotty" Fitzgerald of White Pointe, Nova Scotia (1914-1987).

Scotty came from a family of violin-playing fishermen which resulted in him playing the violin and fishing at an early age. He became a reknowned Cape Breton fiddler...not to be confused with "a whiddler", of course. He excelled in this lovely style of playing which is of Celtic origins and a mixture of Scottish and Irish traditional music. The driven-up bowing technique and strong downbeat pulse timing that he perfected was known to always bring a dancehall to life. His band "the Radio Entertainers" recorded numerous 78s and four LPs. Unfortunately, these recordings are out of print. So, forget it...just go back to listening to Madonna. Somebody out there is buying that shit.

Sarah Palin...All-American MILF

McPain certainly knew what he was doing when he picked her. Now even I am interested in politics. Let's see...who was it that Baraky Ali Baba picked for his VP? I don't quite remember? I think it was some guy with hairplugs and old man smell. Oh well, who cares?

I can't really explain it, but there's just something cool and sexy about a absolutely hot woman brandishing a firearm.

Jesus Surprises 700 Club With Walk-On Appearance

VIRGINIA BEACH, VA—Friday's episode of the popular Christian-current affairs program "The 700 Club" featured a surprise appearance by Jesus Christ, who dropped by the set and chatted briefly with host Pat Robertson. Christ told Robertson "...verily I say unto you, if you truly seek a place in my kingdom, heed my call: give all of your wealth to the poor and follow me, for thou cannot serve both God and mammon. No man can serve two masters, either he will hate the one and love the other; or else he will be devoted to one and despise the other. In my service your riches will not be of this world where thieves break through and steal or moth and rust doth corrupt. For where your treasure is, so shall your heart be also." A stunned and surprised Robertson quickly called for security before leading into a commercial break. After which the show continued with their regularly scheduled guests; Dr. Manny Alvarez with a segment discussing "What fast food and stress are doing to our bodies" and Life Coach Valerie Burton introducing her latest self-help book, "Discovering Your Inner Beauty; Cosmetics for the Soul."
The show's Executive Producer issued an official statement indicating that Federal INS and Homeland Security departments have been notified concerning the undocumented status of the man they described as "a dangerous Middle Eastern agitator", since he apparently had no passport or identification when confronted by studio security. Later in the show Robertson quipped "with a name like, Hay-Soos, that guy is obviously in the country illegally. Can you believe he had the nerve to come on MY show and spew all that liberal-socialist spread-the-wealth nonsense? What do we care what he says, he's not even allowed to vote!"

Dolphins Evolve Opposable Thumbs

HONOLULU–In an announcement with grave implications for the primacy of the human species, marine biologists at the Hawaii Oceanographic Institute reported Monday that dolphins, or family Delphinidae, have evolved opposable thumbs on their pectoral fins.

"I believe I speak for the entire human race when I say, 'Holy fuck,'" said Oceanographic Institute director Dr. James Aoki, noting that the dolphin has a cranial capacity 40 percent greater than that of humans. "That's it for us monkeys."
Aoki strongly urged humans, especially those living near the sea, to learn to communicate using a system of clicks and whistles in a frequency range of 4 to 150 kHz. He also encouraged humans to "start practicing their echolocation as soon as possible."
Delphinologists have reported more than 7,000 cases of spontaneous opposable-digit manifestation in the past two weeks alone, with "thumbs" observed on the bottle-nosed dolphin, the Atlantic humpback dolphin, and even the rare Ganges River dolphin.
"It appears to be species-wide," said dolphin specialist Clifford Brees of the Kewalo Basin Marine Mammal Laboratory, speaking from the shark cage he welded shut around himself late Monday. "And it may be even worse: We haven't exactly been eager to check for thumbs on other marine mammals belonging to the order of cetaceans, such as the killer whale. Oh, Christ, we're really in the soup now."
Thus far, all the opposable digits encountered appear to be fully functional, making it possible for dolphins–believed to be capable of faster and more complex cogitation than man–to manipulate objects, fashion tools, and construct rudimentary pulley and lever systems.

Top Wall Street Firm To Be Acquired By Tooth Fairy

The market responded with enthusiasm today to reports that the Tooth Fairy has agreed to acquire Lehman Brothers. The purchase price has not yet been determined, but will be set by Lehman CEO Dick Fuld wishing upon a star, clicking his heels three times, and being transported back to that magical kingdom where Lehman stock still sells for over $70 per share.
In related news, Lehman has agreed to sell all of its Level III capital, including CDOs, ABSs, pet rocks, baseball cards, firm umbrellas, and credit default swaps written by MBIA and Ambac. Lehman's Level III capital will be acquired for 150% of its face value by Tinkerbell, who will carry it off to Never Neverland, where it will be fed to a crocodile. Lehman is financing 90% of the acquisition at an interest rate usually reserved for subprime borrowers; Tinkerbell's upfront payment consists of a handful of pixie dust, three crickets, and a bullfrog. Ladenburg Thalmann bank analyst Dick Bove estimates that the bullfrog could eventually be transformed into three princes and a pumpkin coach (but doesn't want to be quoted in case he is sued).
The deal gives Lehman no recourse to any of Tinkerbell's assets other than the Level III capital. If Tinkerbell defaults, Lehman's successor entity will stick its hand down the crocodile's throat and attempt to get it to regurgitate. The firm's historical value-at-risk analysis shows that sticking one's hand down a crocodile's throat is completely safe.
Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson issued a statement: 'I am delighted that SWFs (Sovereign Wealth Fairies) continue to express confidence in the terrific values represented by American financial institutions. As I have been saying since August of 2007, this shows that the crisis is now over'.
Meanwhile, US regulator the Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) has announced an investigation of mean, evil, wicked, bad short-seller Capt'n David Einhook. While out for grog with a few of his mateys , Einhook reportedly suggested that the Tooth Fairy might not exist, and that wishing upon a star is not a wholly reliable pricing mechanism (although he admitted that it has been a commonly-used methodology in the past). Christopher Cox, chairman of the SEC, said, 'Vicious rumors attacking the Tooth Fairy will not be tolerated. Our entire financial system, and indeed the American way of life, depend on the Tooth Fairy and wishing upon a star. How else could one value Level III capital appropriately ?'. The SEC is reportedly planning to set up re-education camps for short-sellers at Guantanamo Bay' so they can never bother anyone, ever again. The End.

Chick Porn

If you thought that Burger King couldn't get any stranger than they already are with that stupid walking plastic King (see my blog archives from 8 April), then take a look at "Subservient Chicken".

You can boss Subservient Chicken around on Burger King's website: http://www.subservientchicken.com/ and it will do whatever you tell it to. Just be prepared to feel your skin crawl and to throw-up in your mouth a little. At least it's not a clown.

Ted Haggard Has Started a New Ministry

Anyone else curious as to what the sermon is going to be about? Is he sharing his own personal experience on how to deal with male prostitutes?
That sign makes me want to stay home on Sunday morning and do yard work.
That's just too much information from Pastor Haggard.
Oh, and he still insists that he's NOT gay.
Actually, he's probably not. That would require being human, first.

Allahu Ahk-Bear!

Derka-Derka, Mohammad Jihad!

It's the CAIR bears...TeddyHamas, HezzBearlah, and Jihad Ben. Whatever you do, just don't touch the little red button on his vest. Once they martyr themselves, 72 untouched picnic baskets await them in the afterlife.

Mohammad-the-Pooh

Here's the latest series of children's stories from the Middle East.
In this scene we see the loveable, hugable, stuffed-with-fluff,
Mohammad the Pooh and he is confronting Zorak
the evil Mantis of the apocalypse.

Too bad that the series didn't get past the first book. The author and illustrator were publicly stoned to death in the Sudan by an angry mob. Evidently, muslims were offended by a stuffed bear having the same first name as their prophet.
If you ask me, it's bears who should be offended.

The Evil Continues...

These efforts were commendable but ineffective. The thing still lives.

Can anything be done, before billions and billions more are "served"?

Happy 4th of July!

Nothing says "Liberty and Freedom" quite like a shot of Jaegermeister with a bathwater chaser.

Now, It's Coming For Your Daughters!

Don't say that I didn't warn you. It's gotten even worse.

When are you people going to listen to reason? Someone needs to finally drive a stake through its cold lifeless heart and end it all. Stop the horror!

Caught In The Act!

In my earlier post from 18 June, someone actually had to ask..."Why was Rondald McDonald getting arrested?".

Did I really have to go into detail about what evil occurs under those golden arches? Well, this photographic evidence speaks for itself. He has been fattening-up McKids for his own diabolical reasons.

It just goes to show...NEVER trust a clown!

"Are you gonna eat that?"

Hey, Mommy-dearest...don't you think Pugsley has had enough french fries, yet?

More Adolescent Skin-Tones Not Found In Nature

They're Orange!
Why are they organge, and what is with that hair?

The one in the middle looks like he opened the exploding Candy-gram that was intended for Mongo.

(Yes, they are the same two freak-tards that were in the earlier post.)

The Stupid! ...It Burns! (and in the blazing colours of autumn)

What the hell is going on here?

-Chester the Cheeta goes to the prom?

-It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown...and he brought a date?

-Willy Wonka let the Oompa Loompas have a night off from the chocolate factory, so that they'd quit humping each other?

Oh, I know...these guys couldn't afford a fake spray-on tan, so they smeared themselves with the grease from the top of an opened can of Wolf Brand Chili. Or maybe, a mad scientist in a secret laboratory brought to life a giant bloody stool and dressed it in a tacky silk suit. An alternative theory; they have all been on a fad diet where they consume nothing but Chef-Boy-R-Dee Ravioli, Kraft American singles, Cheetos, Circus Peanuts, and Tang for months.

Then, as if it weren't bad enough ...they have the nerve to cluelessly pose and be photographed with those smug self-satisfied facial expressions that say; "the world bores me cuz I'm cool". A fitting punishment would be drowning in a vat of chlorine bleach. Are they under the mistaken impression that miniature crisco-mohawks are stylish? In the lower picture it looks like the hair that you see in post-mortem tintype photographs of deceased Old West gunfighters which were taken prior to burial at boot hill. Have the candied-yam twins ever considered just putting down the video games for a couple of hours and going outside in the sun?

What about these girls? How can they sit in the laps of a couple of walking toilet-bowl skidmarks and not be repulsed by the stench? What were their parents thinking when they opened the front door to meet their sweet young daughter's date for the evening and found Mr. Hanky standing there? Evidently, Olsen Twin imitator #2 (in the upper foto) has developed a melanoma below the corner of her left eye from standing too close to these clownish faux burn patients. What is most astounding is that these girls are not ashamed to be seen in public with them...and they are not even the least bit concerned about getting feces stains rubbed-off onto their clothes.

It's understandable that youngish girls' taste in males should tend more towards the juvenile. In not too many years they can look forward to being sexually disappointed by a somehwhat older and experienced man whose skintone does not make him resemble a cartoon character or the winner of a pumpkin pie eating contest.

Anyway, I think that I'll never touch another sweet potato, again. EVER!

KFC's Latest Celebrity Endorsement.

Hey, for years I've been saying that KFC's food is great; they just need to present a more refined aristocratic image. My sources at the company have sent me these pics from a proposed ad campaign, which combines the idea of the classic family outdoor picnic with the tasteful sophistication of having Dr. Hannibal Lecter as their pitchman. Who could be a more appropriate spokesman about the simple pleasures of dining al fresco on pieces of dismembered carcass than a reknowned and respected phychiatrist, philosopher, afficionado of fine music, wine expert, world traveler, bon vivant, and culinary artist? This is a man who once disemboweled a chef at Ma Maison, simply because he had used margarine instead of butter while preparing Veal Milanese, so we know that the Doctor is serious about fine dining.

I must say...I am very encouraged by this. Can't wait to get down to KFC as soon as it opens to purchase a hideous grease-laden bucket of sophistication and mayhem.

Original Recipe Or Extra-Crispy Flesh-Coating?

Every once in a while, the animal rights nut-tards come up with a good one.

My evil nemesis, Poultricide, posted this link in a comment on this blog:

http://signgenerator.kfccruelty.com/index.asp?SignSubmission=1E7B0BCD-071F-4778-9C6D-3C9F65A2232E

Check it out! You can make your own KFC sign, like I just did. So, have at it. You've all got plenty of time to waste.

The creators of the site are obviously attempting to make some kind of political statement about animal cruelty, but the features of the site can be coopted to make sick sophomoric observations.

Some people become uncomfortable when they are reminded that what they are having for dinner was once running around squeaking, oinking, or mooing. It's those types and the animal-lover nuts who need to be reminded that no matter how advanced and civilized we become, we are still basically predatory hunter-gatherers. We still consume the mangled remains of deceased creatures just like our primitive ancestors did. The only real difference is that we pay other people to grab the animal, kill it, dismember the corpse, then wrap-up the mutilated pieces in nice clean cellpohane and styrofoam packaging. Often, we even pay a lot more to have someone else cook it. Another disturbing thought for you vegans; when you eat fruits and vegetables, you are actually consuming some plant's sex organs. We really don't know, but plants might even scream in pain when they are being sexually mutilated by fruitpickers, they just scream at a frequency that we can't hear. Think about it.

I don't have anything against KFC. They are one of the few fast-food joints that I even like. (besides Subway, or Popeye's). I can remember the first time that I ate there as a little kid and I really liked it. The guy that came up with the original recipe was a damned genius, even though chickens probably view him as their Adolf Eichman. Can you blame them? What would you think if you accidently wandered into a strange building and saw some manner of advanced beings feasting on disembodied charred human limbs coated in a crispy crust and served with two delicious side dishes? That's a rather Dahmer-esque image.

Anyway, I'll probably go to KFC this afternoon.

Poultricide hates Popeye's. He claims that it is all part of a secret Vatican plot, just because if you slightly alter their sign it says; "Pope Yes". I don't have anything against the Pope. As long as he makes really good spicy cajun chicken his religious practices don't concern me. Popeye's also has the best selection of side orders to choose from. You can actually have something besides french fries (which were ruined when the federal health Nazis made them change the type of oil that they cook them in). They're so bad, France should demand that the name be changed to something else.

Law & Order: Special Dietary Victims' Unit

Police have apprehended the most diabolical predator of the big-Top. Here we see him being led away in shackles from his McDonaldland Ranch, finally putting an end to his culinary crimes and debauchery. In the background you can see the sinister lair where he used fatty milkshakes and cholesterol-laden happy meals (complete with cheap plastic toy trinkets) to lure unsuspecting children into his remote compound and start them on the tragic road to obesity and heart disease. Investigators and prosecutors are busy gathering evidence to prepare an airtight case which will put this piece of human garbage away from cuisine for good. The full penalty of the law is hardly strong enough to appropriately deal with his ghastly crimes.

What I really want to know is: what the hell were those parents thinking?

Is it really so difficult to prepare a nice healthy Penne Rigate Al Forno and a fresh spinach salad with zesty vinagrette for their own childrens' dinner? Concerned parents being involved in their kids' diet is what is most effective at keeping them away from the disgusting unhealthy lifestyle that was being promoted by the likes of that shameless greasy reprobate.

The Latest Hollyweird Gossip

The Paparazzi have been busy tailing none other than the partially animate burgerKing walking-mannequin.

Shock! ...Gasp! He has been caught in a love tryst with none other than...washed-up 1970s actress Valleri Bertenelli. (She was only washed-up, now her career is finished. She won't even be able to swing any Jenny Craig product endorsements after this.) I'm sure that her agent has dumped her. Guess the guy didn't find the 10% of her BurgerKing coupons and free prepackaged condiments to be suitable compensation for fighting for a lost cause.

What was she thinking? Does the BurgerFreak have like a huge plastic dick or something? Hell, she could have just bought one of those, complete with batteries, then she wouldn't have to wake up next to that hideous polystyene freakhead and the stench of frenchfry grease.

More Evil-Sinister Clowns!

Hey folks, just so that you don't all get nice and comfortable with the cute warm wittle puppies in today's previous post, I thought that I would turn around and present something that will leave you with nightmares. This extreme shift from sweet furry cuteness to hideous nominally-human freaks in greasepaint should exacerbate the psychological terror that you experience from staring into the eyes of pure 50-weight adulterated evil. In fact, I would like for the readers of this blog to rate these clowns as to:

-Which one is the most creepy?

-Which has recently eaten a baby?

-Which one worships Satan and sacrifices small furry creatures on a stone altar?

-Which one stores his own urine in jars?

-Which one owns a large number of shares of Occidental Petroleum stock?

-Which one has the odor of rancid milk?

-Which one has a second career as a bruto-homoerotic porn star?

-Which one is a devout Methodist?

-Which one posed for a picture with Roselyn Carter?

-If you had your wish, which one would you most like to shoot in the face with a Lugar?

...or even feel free to create your own category.

Of course, each can win more than one category.

Just in case any of you are wondering, these guys are available to perform at your kid's next birthday party or to even babysit while you enjoy an evening out. That is...if you are a stupid sadistic-shit of a parent.

Sure...All kids just love clowns and their zany madcap antics.

"Now, Timmy, stop all that screaming and have a balloon. Oh, looky! Pervo-the-Clown wants you to reach deep into his pocket for a special birthday surprise."