Monday, May 11, 2015

Sunday, May 25, 2014

Todd Starnes: Lying, Racist Doofus

Separated at birth???

Paid liar and serial fabricator, Todd Starnes, has written a new book. I can't wait to NOT read it.
Well, I might have to read part of it in order to report what a huge trainwreck it is, but I don't want to actually have to purchase it.  Logically, we can assume that it is the usual fake culture war propaganda, whiny faux-Christian persecution stories, and laced with not too subtle racist dog whistles.

Here is an excerpt from the introduction that is available online:

"I grew up in a much simpler time — when blackberry was a pie and dirty dancing meant somebody forgot to clean out the barn for the square dance. It was a time when father still knew best — when the girls were girls and the men were men. I grew up in a time when a rainbow was a sign of God’s promise, not gay rights."

Great...I get the idea: He's pining for the good ole days of homemade pies, square dancin', segregation, and keepin' them homos in the closet where they belong (probably right next to Todd. Don't worry Toddles, your pretty gay rainbow secret is safe with us).
His contrasting references leave us scratching our heads trying to determine exactly which era Todd grew up in and when the good old days ended or became complex. He gives us a hint: Square dancing? That could be from the 1790s to the 1970s. He only appears to be in his mid 40s. Dirty Dancing? That was a romantic film drama that was in theatres in 1987...roughly 27 years ago. So, the dancing phenomenon which Toddles believes epitomizes the moral decline of American culture into depravity is really only a schmaltzy chick flick from the sainted Reagan years. On top of that, the story is set in the "Leave it to Beaver" era of the early 1960s. The title of the movie is taken from the characters' joking, tongue-in-cheek reference to 1950s era Rock-and-Roll. So, dancing to Bill Haley and the Comets is "Dirty", while intimate slow Dancing to Perry Como and Nat King Cole..."Not Dirty???" I can tell you Todd doesn't know shit from shinola. (Which, by the way, was a brand of shoe polish back then. See? I can use folksy old-timey pop culture references, too!)
Father knows Best??? a 1950s TV sitcom...maybe he saw it on re-runs. Then Todd actually channels Archie Bunker by throwing in a lyric from the "All in the Family" Theme song. "...goils was goils and men was men...".  If he had kept going and included "Mistah we could use a man like Hoibert Hoovah, again", we would really be confused. These disparate pop culture references place Toddle's happy childhood anywhere from 1928 to 1987, and our collective moral slide towards Gommorah must have started during the Reagan-Bush-Quayle administrations, but I'm sure somehow he'll blame it on Obama. (He always does.) Or as Todd will say "Barak Hussein Obama". Using the President's exotic-sounding middle name is Todd's way of reminding his Fox News geezer audience that the President is black and not one of know, reeeal Muricans. When Todd says "simpler", he really means "White", and things started not being simple when Obama was elected. Get it?

Well, moving's more:

"When I grew up, spam was something you ate and a hard drive was the twelve-hour trip to grandma’s house without any bathroom breaks. It was a time when a virus was cleared up with a bowl of chicken soup, not the Geek Squad from Best Buy. It was a time when Doobie was a brother and hip-hop was something a bunny rabbit did."

Spam was first produced by hormel meats back in 1937, after discovering a recipe which made bland unsellable pork shoulder palatable and just barely fit for human consumption. It was made internationally famous by the U.S. military's involvement in World War II (1941 to 1945), and recognized as being humorous in an episode of "Monty Python's Flying Circus" circa early 1970s. People still eat the stuff, today. (It's real big in Hawaii and even employed in modern haute cuisine). Personal computers have been available in some form to American consumers since the mid 1980s and irritating spam email started becoming a problem during the George H.W. Bush administration. Again, Starnes' vague references give us no definite answer as to when America's "simpler" time ended. Does Starnes really believe that the Doobie Brothers were actual brothers? The band members' names were; Tom Johnston, Patrick Simmons, John McFee, Guy Allison, and John Cowan. None of them are named "Doobie", and they all have different last names, so most likely  none of them are brothers. Since they were long-haired hippies in  California during the 1970s, it is very probable that they intentionally picked a name for their band that was an homage to the 1960s hippie street slang for marijuana cigarette. So, Todd is wrong again, as usual. Next, Todd compares Hip Hop misic and culture to the bunny hop. He's not even trying to be subtle with this; he contrasts the pure white wholesome hippity hoppity easter bunny versus threateningly scary loud black hip hop artists who refuse to sit quietly in the back of the bus and let Starnes' people run thangs. Since rap and hip hop music originated in the 1970s with its Golden Age occurring in the mid 1980s, this leaves us confused as to why Starnes included this reference as being indicative that Obama is ruining the country. Obviously, Gerald Ford is to blame. Really, it means Starnes needs an editor who is familiar with American culture of the late 20th century to review his crappy books before they are published.

Monday, May 19, 2014

Ted Nugent to Marry

NRA Spokesman/draftdodger Ted Nugent and Republican Senator Ted Cruz just announced their Gay-engagement. After being married they will both be known as "Ted-Ted-Cruz-Nugent".

Ewwww! Isn't that his PPK sticking out or that loincloth?

Cliven Bundy...Real Murican!

Nevada rancher and Teabagger, Cliven Bundy, gave us his expert cotton-picking opinions on race relations. He has an exciting new theory on entitlement reform which would entail utlizing welfare recipients as forced agricultural laborers, complete with overseers, whips, dogs, chains, and manacles. Well...only some of the welfare recipients...just certain ones...just 3 out of 10...oh, how can we say it.?..Uh...the Niii...well, the ones who he thinks would be better off picking cotton. He'd even have them happily singing "Swing Low, Sweet Chariot" or "Camptown Ladies".

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

LOL Cthulu

It had to happen, eventually...a merging of the two stoopidest internet memes.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Great Canadians of the 20th Century (Parte Dieux)

Since the angry emails have finally subsided, I will resume my blogging tribute to the country of Canada (yes, it's a real country) by chronicling the life and accomplishments of a Canadian of some reknown. Tonight's biographical profile will look to the world of the Toronto Theatre and that beloved thespian, Corky St. James. The photo posted to the right is of Corky when he performed "Peter Pan" at the Royal Alexandra in 1989 to critical acclaim. Audiences usually expect a pert and rather spritely woman to play the part, along the lines of a Sanda Duncan, or Mary Martin, or Cathy Rigby, or Betty Luster, but St. James brought his own flamboyant style to the part.

Unfortunately, Corky's promising acting career was limited. When preparing for the audition for the lead in "Sylvia" he hired the services of a plastic surgeon to alter his features to resemble a dog. To create the perfect illusion, he slimmed-down to 3 1/2 pounds to fit into the costume. The surgeon removed almost his entire head, except for the brain and the eyes. Next, he grafted a life-like tail onto his gluteal muscles. Anyway, he didn't get the part. Alas, unfortunately for Corky, the director was not looking for a human-dog freak and cast a pert and rather spritely woman in the part. Since the surgury is not reversible, St. James has been reduced to performing in dogfood commercials.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Does Your Brand of Gasoline Make the Entire Family This Happy?

In this 1954 ad for Ethyl gasoline we see a young Ernest Borgnine taking his family on holiday. Obviously this was back in the days before child carseats and mandatory seatbelt laws. Does anyone remember it really being like this? I seem to have vague semi-repressed memories of the man getting lost and refusing to stop and ask directions, so the woman is griping at him, and the kid is whining for a potty break along with the ubiquitous "are we there, yet?" To which, the parents reply in unison and increasing volume..."Not Yet!" At least this car isn't filled with noxious tobacco fumes from both parents chain-smoking Kents with all the windows up. There's just no better way to enjoy that smooth Carolina flavour than from the only premium brand that comes with the micronite filter...and the sponsor of "the Dick Van Dyke Show". Little do they know that the atmosperic lead poisoning from the TEL additive in the Ethyl gasoline is so bad that the soil beside major highways will actually become contaminated. Happy motoring!