Such A Cute Wittle Bear

His name is Rocky. He's five years old, stands 7 1/2 feet tall, and weighs 700 pounds.

Rocky has appeared in several movies. Sadly, he's probably out of a job, merely because he mistook his trainer for a sandwich and bit him in the neck. Right now there is an investigation being conducted to determine why a very large wild land predator would do such a thing. Maybe Rocky just doesn't like being tickled.

Why Do People Listen to This Clown?

Yes, professional buttwipe, Dr. Phil is now out pushing his latest bullshit selfhelp book for the Oprah-loving crowd. He is so irritating and whiney, I don't know how people actually take anything that he says seriously. Is he even a real Doctor? Well, he used to be until the States of Texas and California pulled his psychology license. It was due to professional misconduct, or rather: an "inapropriate relationship" with a 19 year old patient. He was 39 years old and married at the time. Damn! what was SHE thinking?...crazy girl must have needed to see a shrink or something. Too bad she went to see Phil, instead.

Now....This guy, gives really good advice.


His name is BigTit Bob from Austin. Here we see him in the Alamo drafthouse enjoying their famous "burger and a helmet" lunch special. Bob doesn't give a shit about anything, so he'll come right out and tell you the truth. You could actually pattern your life based on his astute observations and wise counsel. He's a much better advisor than Dr. Phil, and guess what: He holds just as many professional credentials. Oprah and him would make a really cute couple. Actually, he'd probably mistake her for 400 lbs. of bear liver in a cellophane bag and eat her. (...and the downside IS?)

Mommy Dearest

OK, so the cops took a bunch of kids away from these strange characters and some people are actually complaining that they (the cops) "went too far". Huh??? Oh come-on!!! That one in the front with the monobrow and the Joan Crawford shoulders looks really scary-mean. Just imagine if you were her teenaged daughter and you were given the choice of being nailed by some filthy drooling old geezer or having Mommystein give you a good thrashing..."NO MORE Wire HANGERS...EVER!!!"

The cops were just doing their jobs and made a good call.
After those kids are issued Iphones and PS3s, and are taught how to hangout at the mall they'll be fully ready to join our civilization.

Come On! ....Do It!

Evidently, not all Lolcat photos completely suck. If he could have only included an "After" picture.

Because of the graphic nature of some of my earlier posts I have gotten a few angry emails accusing me of hating animals.
Well...that's not true! Actually, I'm very fond of veal.
The idea of eating something that died young is very appealing to me.
My dream post would be to combine this with my last two posts and have Flavor Flav shooting Kevin Federline in the face with that chrome-plated 9mm Beretta pimpgun. Then, we could just let the Kitty run free in its natural habitat on the streets of Philadephia.
Fluffy should get along just fine as long as he don't try to bebop wit da homies or talk to da mentals. (For proper effect, that should be said with a philly accent.)

Biggest Douche In The Universe Competition

A contestant from Planet Earth/Milky Way Galaxy has taken the crown, again this year as Kevin Federline replaces John Edward as the official Biggest Douche in the Universe.
Hopefully, his reign as BDIU will raise awareness and much needed additional research to treat the mysterious muscle disease which has twisted his hand into this hideous trident-shaped appendage and left him a nonfunctioning white trash idiot. He is also currently in negotiations with Webster's dictionary publishers who wish to use his likeness as an illustrated example of "Shit-eating grin". His winning the title of Biggest Douche in the Universe is attributed to the fact that he is an unemployable loser with a room temperature IQ who sponges off of his pitiful substance-abusing ex-wife, instead of doing what a man would have done which is clean her up by getting her off the junk/booze. His winning prize will consist of having his head held upside-down in a large container of vinegar/water solution until he stops moving. The choice of awarding the honor to Federline was controversial among many of the judges, because he had also been named "Largest Toilet Bowl Skidmark" in the Universe, and he is the first earth resident to hold both titles simultaneously.

The previous reigning Biggest-Douche-In-The-Universe, John Edward... merely tricked gullible naive people into believing that he could speak with their dead relatives. Somehow he has managed to make a lot of money doing this; whereas, if there really was any justice in the world he would have gotten his ass kicked to death and would now be smoking a fresh dog turd in the hottest corner of hell.














*Legal disclaimer: Biggest Douche in the Universe competition is the sole intellectual property of Matt Stone and Trey Parker use of which is prohibited without their express permission.

**Legal disclaimer: Kevin Federline was already a white trash idiot prior to the onset of said unidentified degenerative muscluar disease. The narrative is merely claiming that his status was changed to" nonfunctioning white trash idiot" based on physical degradation.

**Legal disclaimer: John Edward could no longer serve as reigning Biggest Douche in the Universe due to contest rules which prohibit consecutive wins; therefore, Kevin Federline is current champion BDIU.

Flavor Flav!

I can't really explain it, but there is just something very cool about this guy wearing a Viking helmet and a huge clock around his neck. Why didn't anybody think of this, before?
Well, nevermind that his teeth look like they were borrowed from the cryptkeeper. Yech!

Welcome to Catholic's Corner.

It seems like every other person that I meet is a Catholic. The Pope is even visiting our country. So, I've been learning all about Catholics to see what it's about.

I met this Priest and his pretty girlfriend at a party. They were very very nice. He went around blessing everybody.

Did you know that the Pope is a German? He is....Really!

It would be neat if they had him wear a helmet, just like in those war movies on TV. Although that hairdo of his sort of looks like it should come equipped with a chinstrap.

Catholics can also help you if your dog gets possessed by demons. So, you won't have to shoot him or have him gassed. (You can anyway if you just don't like him.)

How cool is that?

LOLSluts

For everyone (who is like me) and is sick and tired of being emailed LOLCats,which are cutsie dumbassed pictured of kitties supposedly saying wittle cute things, here is another angle on the idea.

IM IN UR JAYLZ ... HAVIN NO MAK-UP!























DEY TOOKZ MAH CHILDRENZ MAHD ME PAY MONEE TO SKUMBG...JIST CUZ I DRUNKEN HO!

My Tribute To Canada

Since I've had lots of fun on my trips to Canada, I thought that I would pay tribute with a nice photo-montage. Of course, since blogger-blogs are such crap...the photos are not in the order that I intended. What the hell, blogger is free and I'm a cheapskate.

Separated At Birth?

Has to be the same guy...there cannot be two idiots on the same planet who are that irritating. If they are different guys, then I have the unconquerable urge to strangle one with the other's entrails.

Correction

The Kellogg's OK Oat Cereal guy could not have been plagiarized from the Brawny papertowel ad campaign, because it did not debut until 1974. In fact, the Brawny papertowel lumberjack was pirated from this 1972 Monty Python episode. The resemblence is uncanny. I stand corrected.

More Midnight Exhumations From the Graveyard of Defunct Cereal Brands

You've got to wonder, did they really exhaust every possible idea for a cereal box mascot, so they had no other choice but to resort to using a wildebeest? Since Kellog's ad-men were so bereft of origional ideas that they were forced into using migratory land animals of the subsaharan African plains, one shudders to think what could have been next...a warthog...a hyena?

Then, there's further evidence that they were completely running out of ideas, when they decided to recycle the Brawny Paper Towel guy on a cereal box. Did they really think that nobody would notice? There's the anobolic steroid induced muscles, the lazy eye, and the clenched fist that's just as large as his pin head. They even blatantly used the word "BR-R-AWNY" on the box. Their lame attempt at disguising him as a scotsman only resulted in this disturbing Village People meets "Braveheart" image.

LOLCats Suck!

Everybody keeps posting these lame-cutesy photos of kitties saying stupid things. It's really getting old. Cats can't talk. They don't even like you, they just hang around for the free food. If a better offer came along, they'd drop you real quick. And what is the deal with the cheeseburgers? Cats don't eat cheeseburgers! They even lack the functional appendages and motor skills necessary to pick one up.

Weirdo Fight!

Looks like that stupid Jack-in-the-box clown has finally taken enough $h!+ from the Burger King Wackjob. He's pimp-slapped the dumb out of him, causing his wimpy crown to go flying into the gutter. Now, he's up in his face, telling him to keep his charcoal-broiled crap out of Jack's territory.

This is fun to see, but really I hate them both.

They do to cuisine and dining what Captain Hazelwood and the Exxon Valdez did to Prince Willam Sound. This is sort of like watching a war between the Russians and Germans or the Iranians and Iraqis...you just want it to go on as long as possible and it would be great it both sides could lose.

This Damn Thing is Freaky!

What is up with this advertising idea?

The thing is tall plastic and creepy. They have him looking in people's windows or just showing up out of nowhere. Then, when he is finally noticed he has this blank lifeless inanimate plastic stare while he holds out some food product. Besides the fact that it is being offered by some insane-looking weirdo...the person takes the sandwich and actually starts eating it! I mean, do normal people ever just start eating something that is handed to them by some stranger? Do they have any idea where it's been?

Despite the fact that he's obviously been carrying that thing around for hours until he could sneak up on someone stupid enough to accept it, that cresandwich (or whatever...) is STILL warm.

Don't they ever worry about "HOW" or "WHY" it's still warm?

Ewwwww!

The Graveyard of Defunct Cereal Brands

Here we see more failed cereal ideas:

A Crack Bird...

A geriatric amputee pirate with bad teeth...

and

A senile geezer playing with his organ. The kid just seems to be enjoying this way too much. Well, what do you expect?

That last one IS from Canada. You can tell, because the Canadians feel obligated to put French writing on everything so that the Québécois don't get cranky and become even ruder. Come-on! Get over it! You guys lost the Seven Years War! It's over with...the Treaty of Paris 1763 says so. Sheeesh! All of you speak English, anyway. You only insist on the dual English/French labels because you know that the overly polite Anglo-Canadians will fall for your bullshit.

Anyway...what were these cereal-people thinking? Old man smell and a messy mite-infested bird are going to adequately express the importance of a nutritious breakfast?

Besides, what the hell is that thing on the bird's head?

A drooping wattle?...A renaissance painter's hat?

Your guess would be as good as mine.

As for the "sugar Corn-fetti" brand name, at least it accurately indicates the probable nutritional value.

It could be healthier for your kids to eat the "free surprise gift" since polystyrene contains more actual vitamins and fewer chemicals than confetti.

Evil Clown Cereal

OK...I gotta admit, I just don't get the whole thing with clowns. They are so sinister and creepy. Who in the hell would let their kids be around these weirdo-freaks? That one picture of Bozo totally creeps me out. He looks as if he feasts on brains or someting, and he's worried that the police are going to find the corpse that he dismembered and has packaged in his freezer. Try to imagine how terrifying that freaky-looking thing would be to little kids. No sane person likes clowns, and kids (who they are presumably meant to entertain) scream and avoid them at all costs. Yet, since clowns are so colorful and festive and perform zany antics...some brain-damaged adults just think that kids are supposed to naturally gravitate towards them.

So, who would buy food products packaged in boxes which feature strange beings who make your skin crawl?

And how about the vaguely suggestive label "Large Size" right next to Zippy-the-pinheaded-Clown's leering gaze? Ewww!

They might as well seek a product endorsement from John Wayne Gacy.

Cereal Brands Lost to History

Ah, let's return to the innocence of the 1950s...when products could be endorsed by effeminate practitioners of the occult without provoking the ire of the religious right. If this brand was still on the shelves, we'd have Pat Robertson indentifying each of the cryptic satanic symbols on the box, while Jerry Falwell would accuse the cartoon wizard spokesman of being gay. Of course, Falwell accuses lots of fictional characters of being gay (kinda makes you wonder what HIS deal is, doesn't it).

But there is plenty to find disturbing about this image. Just look at the maniacal facial expression that he displays as he summons his dark Lord from the depths of the underworld by playing the devil's tri-tone on the musical pentagrams. Yes, this sugar-coated spawn of Beelzebub was relegated back to the hottest corner of the infernal regions where it belongs. I guess they can claim that; "it stays crunchy...even in brimstone."

If you're still not convinced that "Wizard All Stars" was a gay-commie-satanic plot to undermine America's greatness...just take a look at the reverse side of the package. They don't even give a decent prize inside the box...your kids get to cut-out a mask of Satan's top-hatted minion, so that they can take turns becoming just like him.

Probably when concerned parents did complain, Kellog's marketing team made a frantic reversal with a lame attempt to appeal to Cold War patriotism and the military industrial complex by offering a Nuclear submarine kit...for only 25 cents! What the USS Nautilus has to do with an effete top-hat wearing conjurer is anyone's guess. Maybe, he could wave his magic fairie wand for a fantasy visit to the sailor's quarters? Or perhaps it was a conspiracy by Kellogs to forward the classified plans for our frontline strategic fleet ballistic missile submarines straight to their Marxist brethren at the Kremlin. Fortunately for the free world, their diabolical plans were thwarted.

Cereal Brands That Didn't Make It.

Uugh...all that sugar!